


Oh, yesterday came suddenly

by Tymo44



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Angst, Crime AU, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2017-12-21 00:26:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tymo44/pseuds/Tymo44
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas began their police training together, more than ten years ago. They became friends, lovers and ultimately boyfriends - until their relationship was discovered and Cas got promoted to another working place. Over time, Dean almost forgot about him, until Cas stands in his office one afternoon reporting his partner Balthazar missing. With Dean's boss believing that Balthazar ran off, it falls to Dean to search for the man Cas chose to marry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hej,
> 
> First of all I wish you a very warm welcome, it's my first SPN-fanfic and my first one written in English, so I'm quite excited. I spent the last four months working on this story and it's quite funny because I only wanted to write down the beginning because I was writing on something else (which now lies forgotten in some corner), the story kind of took a life on its own.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. :)
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Cho

Chapter 1:

There was a soft knock on the door and he hung up on Jo who was out on an observation with Benny boring herself to death. “Come in.” Dean Winchester really disliked working indoors and it definitely wasn't what he had become a police officer for but since they were such a small unit, responsible for quite a small part of the city they were taking turns and today it was his turn, although he felt like it was quite often his turn lately. But well, observation seemed just as boring today and at least he had a cafeteria nearby.  
He looked up from his desk to see who was entering the room. For a very shot moment, he was shocked, this short moment of uncertainty, simply aware that he knew this man. And then, of course it was so obvious. How could it even have taken a few seconds to recognize him? There were no other eyes which were so blue. So unbelievably blue. Castiel Milton. Of course. He had once spent so much time looking at those blue eyes, blue as ice. He hadn't seen him for almost... well, it would have to be about ten years by now.

“Oh... Dean, you're still here? Wonderful.” The expression on his face and the sound of his voice said just the opposite. “Are you the only one who's here right now?” One of his hands was still clutched around the door, as if he wanted to walk back, close the door again and try out the next office – but probably he knew that there was little chance that any other office was occupied. He looked older, well, ten years had passed since he had last seen this man. They had been twenty-two, young, naïve. It seemed a lifetime away by now. Somehow it was.

“Yeah, department didn't really grow since you left.” There was something in the way Cas' raised his eyebrow at the word 'left', some kind of accusation, but Dean tried not to go back to all these things ten years ago. Yes. Cas hadn't left them. They had forced him to leave. Well rather either him or Dean, and he couldn't have left the place where his family lived. So it had been Cas who had gone away. “Didn't knew you were back in town”, he said trying to shake off the feeling of guilt. He had never even thought about him in these last years. At the beginning, sure, he had missed him for some time, but so early his mind had been occupied by other things, other people, and too soon he had wasted no thought on him anymore. “How are you doing?”

Cas sighed. “We're just here to visit my family. Look, is there any other officer I can talk to? This is kind of weird.”

“You could talk to the boss but he hates you and he's a homophobic dick”, he pointed down the aisle towards Dick Roman's office, “or you could wait until somebody comes back. But could take some hours.”

“Fine”, he said closing the door behind him. Cas slowly crossed the room and sat down on the other side of his desk. “This man, he's missing. We haven't seen him since yesterday evening. I went to bed early, next morning he was gone, neither Anna nor Gabe nor me have seen him,” He placed a photograph of a smiling man with blonde hair and a grey v-neck shirt on the desk between them.

“Is he...?” Dean looked up from the photograph. Somehow the last word got stuck in his throat, he wasn't even quite sure why. It was weird talking with Cas in the first place, with the man Cas had become, somebody he had never expected to meet and talking about something who had taken his place felt even stranger.

“My boyfriend? Is that what you want to say?”

“Yeah. Sort of. Is he?”

The expression in his eyes had something distant, and he missed their warmth a little. But probably he did not deserve it anyway. “Yes. His name is Balthazar Cassidy.”

“Okay. So, um, would you have woken up if he had gone to bed? Because I remember you waking up to everything.” He tried to look at him but ended up staring at his desk. Hell, this was awkward.

“I suppose, but not for sure. I don't always realize that I wake up. But his side of the bed was untouched. I am quite sure he didn't go to bed.”

“Ok, well. So last night was the last time anybody saw him. You know that's not really what we call a missing person yet-”

“Dean. We're on holidays here, he wouldn't just go away in the middle of the night without telling me. He doesn't know anybody here except Anna and Gabriel.”

“Did he ever... go missing before?”

“Who do think I'm with? A vagabond?” There was – again – some kind of allegation in his eyes.

“Could we try not to make this personal, I'm just as uncomfortable with this whole thing as you are. And I think as a cop you should know that these are normal questions.”

“I'm not a cop, but fine. No, it never happened before. And I don't see any reason for it to happen. We haven't had a fight, everything was-” He stopped as they could hear a child screaming on the floor, seconds later the door opened.  
A red-haired women, Anna, Dean still saw her while grocery shopping every now and then, Castiel's sister, entered the room. She sometimes worked with his brother as they were both lawyers working in the same chambers. “Oh, hello Dean. Seriously?” She gave him an are-you-kidding-me-look carrying a maybe one year old child on her arms, which was currently trying to scream the life out of himself. Funny, Dean couldn't remember her having a kid. “Cas, I tried everything.”

Cas got up and took the baby boy out of her arms, with a last cry the child stopped screaming. Dean looked at him surprised. “You have a kid?”

“Balthazar and I have a child, yes.”

“Are you two trying to kill each other with the sound of your voices or something?” She looked at them suspiciously. “Well, never mind, I looked everywhere there's nothing. I asked some people, nobody knows him, nobody has seen him. Gabriel is still looking for him.”

“What does all this noise mean?”  
Great. With a loud hit against the door, Dick Roman entered his office and there was really no person at all Dean disliked more. And he knew it wasn't much a difference the other way round. Sometimes he found it quite a miracle that Dick hadn't just made up a reason to sack him or transfer him elsewhere.

“We have a missing person”, Dean said without looking at him. “Last seen yesterday night-”

“That doesn't qualify as a missing person.” Dick said with a look at the photo on his desk, which clearly told him that Balthazar wasn't under-age and therefore not a missing person unless he was missing for over 24 hours.

“Yes, but he's a family father who's on holidays here, not really the kind of person who would run away.”

“And you know that how?” He turned to Anna and then to Cas. “Oh, what a nice surprise. Haven't seen you for so many years.” He didn't seem thrilled to have this changed now. Well, it had been him who had made Cas leave back then. And he was still quite sure that it had been more his homophobic point of view than the fact that it was indeed not allowed to sleep with a co-worker.

“Are you going to look for him?” Anna said.

“He's not a missing person yet. You can come back if he is, but there are rules.” Giving them a last of his horrible superior smiles, so clearly transporting that he knew he was right and no matter what they wanted they couldn't change this, he left the room.

“Dean, you cannot agree to that”, pushing back a wisp of her red hair Anna turned to him. “He didn't run off. He's not the kind of person.”

“And what do you guess happened then?” He wouldn't risk his job and finally give Dick the reason to sack him he wanted to have since the thing with Cas ten years ago.

“Dean, not all the people I date are...”, he put a hand over the boy's ear and pulled him closer, then the other ear was covered by his body. “selfish... assbutts.” He gave him a long gaze, making very clear that there was only one person he had dated and which he considered that way.  
Him.  
Softly shaking his head he left the room, followed by his sister. Leaving Dean actually feeling like... what had he called him? An assbutt? But he couldn't risk his whole career for this. This was a quiet place, people didn't just go missing. If they did, teenagers mostly, they turned up drunk on the floor of their friend's house the next morning. Lawrence was a quiet place and they lived in the most quiet part of it, with many families, nobody had ever in fact gone missing. Like gone missing against their own will. Lawrence was all in all a quiet place.  
An adult man didn't just go missing from inside his boyfriend's sister's house without any traces left. And since they had not mentioned anything like that, even if he wasn't a cop how he had said, Cas had worked for the police ten years ago, he would have recognized signs of forced entry.  
Nevertheless he called Jo during lunch break two hours later. She and Benny were still out watching a store which had be robbed twice in the last month by a couple of kids in bright day light. He was quite sure they weren't stupid enough to do it again but still a team had been told to watch out.

“Oh god you have no idea how boring this is. We ran out of doughnuts hours ago.”

“Cas is here.”

“Cas? Wait... Cas? Like Castiel-Cas? Seriously? That's cool. Say the sweetheart hello from me, what's he even doing here? Haven't seen him for... what ten years?” He could hear Benny ask, who Cas was in the background. “Oh, he's the police officer who got demoted because Dean and him were fucking.”

“Oi! Jo!”

“It's not like it's a secret. Bloody everybody knows that. Well, except for Benny. So, what's he doing back in Lawrence? And how did you meet him, you cannot tell me he visited work of all places.”

“No, he's visiting his siblings and his boyfriend went missing.”

“Oh, do you call us so we can finally stop watching this shop and look for that guy?” He could hear her get up from her most-comfortable-while-lying-in-a-car-position clearly happy about a possible switch in duties.

“No, Dick says he's not a missing person and we won't look for him yet. And well he's right. Hasn't been 24 hours yet.” He felt wrong even saying that. He wasn't somebody to agree with every shit his boss said, but this was huge. This wasn't just talking ill about him behind his back at every possible opportunity. This was ignoring a direct order and he wasn't willing to lose the career he had fought for so long. Not even for Cas.

“And so you're not gonna do anything about it?”

“Jo, we have orders.” He couldn't just ignore them. Dick waited for a reason to get rid of him, always had. And there was no way he was leaving Lawrence.

“Dean, this man sacrificed his life here for you, because you couldn't. He moved away to work somewhere else so you could stay. You owe him that and a lot more. Fuck 24 hours, Cas knows about this 24 hours thing, he wouldn't have gone to the police if he didn't knew there was something wrong. And Cas always had a good sense about this.”

Yes, he had. And he had been the best of them. Cas had always been better at this job than Dean. “What do you want me to do?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hej,
> 
> Sorry I wanted to update this earlier but work has kept me quite busy, school holidays have just started here in England and Rubs has a friend over for the first week, so there's hardly a free minute for me. :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter and thanks to aphnxrising, Msche and the two guests who left kudos. :)
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Cho

***

Chapter 2: 

Since it was Friday he was on an early shift and allowed to leave at three. Anna hadn't moved in all these years and it didn't take him long to find the crème-coloured house where all three of the Milton's kids had grown up. Anna opened the door for him, again the child in her arms. “Dean? What do you want?”

“Help. Look I'm not allowed to officially do something until tonight but I want to help. I owe him that.”

Anna nodded slowly. “Okay”, she said, stepping aside so he could enter the house. “They are both looking for him right now. But maybe, since you're with the police, you could look if there's any sign of, I don't know... forced entry or anything. Cas checked already but well he said himself he's not a cop.”

“Yeah, why not by the way?”, he asked while taking a look at the door which in fact looked perfectly intact. “He was just demoted, wasn't he?”

“Yes, but he didn't want to. I think he lost his belief in this whole good cop thing”, Anna said, softly rocking the toddler in her arms.

“Who's he by the way?”

“Oh, that's Sammy.”

“Sammy?”

“Well, Samandriel to be honest. Didn't name his son after your bother. Lovely little sunshine most of the time. Guess he kinda realizes something is off. Well at least he realizes that his papa isn't here and daddy is upset and not really here too.” She sighed. “Door is ok? It kind of starts getting cold and Cassie kills me if Sammy gets ill while under my watch.”

“Yeah, yeah, door is fine”, he said, following her inside. “I should probably check the windows here and upstairs too, and I somehow remember this house had a door to the garden as well, right?” He had been here quite a few times. Cas and him had met during their training at the police, at the beginning Cas had still lived here with Anna and his parents before they had moved together, just as friends, because there had been a nice little flat near their working place and they both couldn't resist the temptation of living on their own.

“Yes, follow me. And thanks for doing that. I hope you won't get in trouble.”

Yeah. He hoped that too. Dick wasn't thinking too highly of him, he hadn't since the thing with Cas all those years back. His good work might have improved Dick's opinion of him a little but it didn't change the general fact that the man disliked him. And he was taking a risk here. Well. Actually he wasn't doing anything. He was just visiting them and took a look at the house while doing so. There was nothing illegal or wrong about this. Dick couldn't sack him over this. “Well, who is this Balthazar guy actually? I'm not asking that because-” He wasn't even sure why he didn't. Not because he was curious? Who Cas had fallen in love with? Because he felt like he shouldn't even want to know? “Well you know, could be important for the investigation.”

Anna nodded slowly. “Balthy?” she said. “He's nice. He's funny. Well he's actually a little like Gabriel sometimes. Not so childish though. No, Balthy's very nice, sweet. Cas met him in New York, about two years after you two broke up. Have been together ever since.”

“And the kid? Samandriel? Where does he come from?”

“Oh, somebody else carried him out. Biologically he's theirs. Well Balthy's if you ask me, all that blond hair has to come from somewhere.”

“So they're... married?” He wasn't sure why he felt so surprised. Ten years, it should have been a surprise if he hadn't married yet. It fit him. A family.

“Yes. For almost two years, I have pictures if you- but you probably don't want to.”

“No no, of course.”

“No, Dean you don't. And it's okay. I understand.” She gave him a rueful smile, pulling Samandriel closer again who was about to slide down her hip.  
The windows were fine as well downstairs as upstairs, same for the garden door. If there had been an intruder who had forced Balthazar to leave, he'd had a key or somebody had left him inside. According to Anna there were just three keys to the house. Her own, Gabriel's and Castiel's. Neither of them was missing.

The last remaining room was the guest bedroom. The room Cas and Balthazar had shared. He would have recognized it without Anna telling him, even without the photographs of the couple and the toddler. Everything was unbelievably tidy and well-arranged. Everything except for the bed. It had been exactly like the one in their flat all those years ago. Castiel was a really tidy person, he preferred things to be where they belonged. Nevertheless the bed was usually a mess, it hadn't stopped after Dean had started salting his coffee whenever he had woken up with his back aching after sleeping on one of Cas' books. It hadn't changed. Not at all. Unlike everything else Castiel never made the bed when normal people did: after getting up. Well, he hardly ever talked before coffee. The blanket was still a mess on the side of the bed Cas had slept on. The other one was perfectly made, an over-sized shirt carefully folded on top of it. It really didn't look as if anybody except Castiel had slept here tonight.  
He couldn't help to take a closer look at the pictures on the night stand. One of them seemed to be from their wedding. It was beautiful. He wasn't sure if Cas had ever looked that happy while being with him. But on the other hand he mostly just remembered the fighting in the end. There was a picture which somebody, probably Balthazar, had taken while Cas had been asleep, he was lying on the bed, mouth half-opened, an arm around a much smaller version of Samandriel, fast asleep.

“I feel a little stupid to ask but where were you last night? Cas said he went to bed early, why?”, he asked when they were back in the kitchen and he was watching Anna putting Samandriel into his high chair to try feeding him with slices of banana. If he already started working on this case properly he could save time later.

“Sammy here threw a tantrum yesterday and Cas had quite a hard time putting him to bed”, she forced herself to smile while Samandriel began throwing around pieces of banana, seemingly not happy about this choice of food. “He's lovely but such a queen.” She brought all the remaining pieces to safety, fishing one out of her hair. “Castiel came downstairs again shortly after Sammy had fallen asleep to tell us he would go to bed as well. Gabriel was already in bed at that time, there was a new episode of Casa Erotica or how this shit is called, he complained the whole morning that he fell asleep in the middle of it. Balthy and I stayed downstairs for about an hour. I tried to make him watch Titanic with me. The retro cinema in town shows it this week but he didn't want to.” There was a rueful smile on her face. “Hates that film. I went to bed at ten, half past ten maybe. He was still downstairs at that time. Next morning he was gone.” She gave Samandriel a sad look, he was playing with her hair. “Any ideas?”

Dean shook his head but probably she hadn't expected anything else. “Are there any street cameras in the area?”

“Oh my God, you're right. How come we didn't think of that? There are no street cameras, but Mr Edwin next door, some kids broke into his house couple of months ago. He uses a camera now but it films half the street.”

“That's fantastic. Do you think he'll let us take a look at the pictures?”

“If I ask and bring pie. There should be some pumpkin pie left in the fridge, could you get it?”

Armed with pie and a cute baby which finally shut up for a few minutes they went to the house next door. It looked as if Anna was right, the old man who lived there seemed delighted with Anna's polite smile, they had him at free pie. Mr Edwin even made them a copy of all the footage from last night so they could have a look at it at Anna's place. They had just closed the door behind them again when they saw Gabriel and Castiel returning.  
“We looked everywhere. What's he doing here?” The older of the two Milton brothers said while Dean tried not to see the last traces of tears on Cas' face.

“Helping. Mr Edwin gave us a copy of what the camera filmed last night. It was Dean's idea. We just wanted to take a look at it.”

Cas nodded, he looked exhausted and Dean felt the same kind of worry that stood in Anna's and Gabriel's eyes.

“Look, you three watch that video and I keep looking”, Gabriel volunteered even though Dean doubted there was much sense in driving around Lawrence all day and the had the feeling that the oldest Milton brother thought in the same way.

“I can-”

“No, you stay here. Really, Cas, just sit and calm down a little.” The long-haired man had put his hand on Castiel's shoulder, shook his head softly. “Sit down, try to sleep, don't go crazy, we will find him and he'll be alright”, he said, forcing his brother to sit on the sofa. “Call if you need me”, he added in Anna's direction, then he was out of the room and out of the house again.

Anna, who had placed Samandriel on the floor in front of a baby puzzle, sat down on the sofa next to Castiel, opening a laptop. Dean at her side, preferring her over Castiel right now, he really wasn't sure how to handle this all.

“Okay”, she said with a concerned look towards her brother when the laptop had booted up. “I start at ten, because I've definitely been downstairs with him at ten.” It took them several minutes of speeded up pictures until the pictures showed more than just an empty, dark lane, framed by small gardens. A man walked through the darkness, Anna slowed down, and finally stopped the film when the man was as close to the camera as possible. “That's him”, she said, her voice unusually weak. “That's Balthy.”

Dean tried to see anything in Cas' face but it was completely blank.

Anna continued the tape but there was nothing more to be seen, the man walked further and out of the picture. Nobody else than a stray cat crossed the street for another hour.

“It doesn't mean he ran off”, Castiel said.

“Cas-”

“Shut up, Dean. He didn't run off. I know he didn't run off. He wouldn't.”

“I'm sorry but... there's nobody else on that street. And... it happens.”

Anna placed a hand on his arm, shaking her head softly. “Don't”, she whispered. “Cassie-”

“Shut up. He didn't. This proves nothing except that nothing happened to him on the twenty metres this camera takes. But that proves nothing.” He had gotten up, not looking at any of them while he took his jacket.

“Cas, stay here. You heard Gabe, he's looking for him. Calm down and think about this whole thing for five minutes. You'll just get yourself killed on the road if you go looking for him. You cannot even think straight, no way you're driving a car.”

“I'm not going to sit here while Balthazar is in danger.”

“No”, Dean said, backing Anna now because hell she was right. “You're not going alone and you're not driving.”

“I'm not going with you, Dean. You don't even believe me.”

“Fine.” He felt like it was better like that anyway. “I'll call Jo, she'll be done with her shift by now and she'll help. I'll call her, she'll drive you.”

It took a short moment, but then Cas nodded. “Okay.” Two more seconds and then he was crying, Anna was there immediately, pulling him into her arms, comforting him softly. Dean could see her whisper something into his ear, then he turned away, feeling out of place. Suddenly back in the life of a man who had no place for him anymore. He couldn't be his friend anymore, not after what they had meant to each other and he couldn't be the police officer working their case. He shouldn't. But he couldn't turn away.

He left the room silently to call Jo.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey,
> 
> While I am massively excited about Gishwhes next week (or actually this week as in tomorrow evening thanks to time difference) I had a little bit of free time (to prepare myself on Gishwhes and babysitting *three* children for 12 hours each day next week, why next week and not this week D: ?) and well here's the next chapter (I get the feeling I wanted to end this sentence differently when I started it three minutes ago... hmmm...)
> 
> Anyway, lots of love and I hope you enjoy this chapter (it's a little short and sort of cas-free but we get back to him next time)
> 
> Love,  
> Cho
> 
> P.S.: Kisses for all the clicks, so many :*

Chapter 3:

“Wow, that was weird”, Jo said as she walked through the door he had hardly even opened.

“Where's Cas?”

“Back at Anna's. Dropped him off before I came here”, she said, inviting herself to one of his beers.

“Still no sign of that Balthazar dude?”

She shook her head. “No, absolutely nothing. Dick's going to make it an official case tomorrow but with that video of him leaving... I don't think he's going to do much. I mean Anna already hung up photos of him saying he is missing all over town, but with no signs of a break-in and when we know he left the house in what looks like his own free will, I don't know. I mean, Cas says he sometimes takes night walks when he can't sleep and I don't think he was lying about that just to make me believe he didn't ran off.... it's not really looking like a case.”

“Yeah”, it was more or less what he thought too. “Not looking good.”

“Yeh, thing is, I think Cas actually believes that Balthazar wouldn't ran away, that he wouldn't just leave him and the baby. I think he's quite sure about that.”

“I know, but... look, Jo, I know I shouldn't bring this up and you hate me for doing it, but Ellen didn't think your father would ran off too, did she? People do that, as horrible as it is.”

She nodded slowly. “Yeah, but my parents fought like hell before he ran off. Cas said everything was fine between them.”

“Yeah, Cas says but I don't know if we can take everything he says for granted. I mean, he wants us to look for him, what I understand perfectly. No problem with that, I would do the same, but... if he said that they had a lot of fights lately, this whole case would be off the desk even sooner. And Anna and Gabriel, they don't see them often, even if everything seemed to be fine while they were here, it does not have to mean that everything was sunshine and roses between them. I mean, what should have happened? Did somebody abduct him? I find this quite hard to believe.”

“Me too”, she emptied her beer, putting the bottle back on the table. “But I don't think it matters what we think. This is Cas and he's our friend and he did a very big thing for you back then. We owe him that. No matter if this Balthazar just ran off or not, we have to do something. I mean, if he just left them, Cas at least deserves to know his husband isn't dead.”

She was right. Even though he was quite sure they wouldn't get the case. What would make the whole thing more complicated.  
“We need to give Dick a reason to make it a real case.”

“I don't think we can, unless we find something that actually says he's been abducted or whatever. And I really don't see any things for that yet. I mean, the house was fine, Cas said he checked it.”

“Yeah, I checked it too. And well, we saw him leave anyway.”

“Exactly. Well, we could try to find out if Cas tells the truth about their relationship. Contacting friends, neighbours.. that stuff. It's not much but at least it's something. I don't really believe that driving through the city is going to get us anywhere.”

***

They got Balthazar's appointment book from Anna, who visited the office with Cas and Samandriel the next morning. From the expression on her face, the conversation with Dick hadn't gone too well and Dean realized she was more right than she was aware herself as he found out they had given the case to Garth and his team.  
“Honestly?” Jo said, staring at Anna quite shocked. “Garth?”

“Yeah, what's the matter? Mr Roman said he'd get the case because he isn't related to Cas whatsoever because he came here after his time.” Anna was rocking Samandriel softly who was crying again. Cas had been picked up by Gabriel and the little child didn't seem to happy to have none of his parents around.

“Garth's wouldn't find him if Balthazar was hiding in his office”, Dean said although that probably was a little exaggerated. Still Garth wasn't a good officer, he was hardly ever right about his guesses and giving the case to him where he usually got no important cases at all seemed to be a clear message from Dick. “Well, doesn't matter, because we're going to help.”

Anna looked surprised. “Really? I mean you already did a lot.”

“He was our friend”, Dean repeated what Jo had preached to him the whole evening. Not like it wasn't the truth. But if he could make a deal with the devil he would ask for this to happen in any other town. Or for it not to happen at all. Having Cas back in his life in this weird way felt everything but good.

“Since we're talking about it, how is he?” Jo asked, preparing a tea for Anna who looked quite exhausted.

“Bad. You know he's really sure that something bad happened and that's not really a relief to this running away story.”

“Can we ask you a couple of questions?” Jo placed the tea on his desk in front of Cas' sister, who nodded slowly, pressing the boy a little tighter to herself.

“How much do you know about your brother's relationship?” Dick wasn't there any more, and well, they were only speaking with her.

She took a moment before she said something, clearly thinking about the question. “I know you want to hear that there would a reason why Balthazar would just leave him and the kid. But I have to stick with Cas on that one, I just don't see a reason. I know it sounds childish, but they really were happy. Of course they had fights, even big one's over the years, of course they had, they've been together for almost eight years. But things were very good lately, with Samandriel and everything. They are happy.”

“So really, no reason at all?” Jo leaned against her desk.

“You don't know Balthazar, he's a wonderful man and... look, if you were telling me that one of them had walked out without a word, leaving the other... If you were telling me that, I would be surprised but I'd always think it would be Cas. Not because he'd do something like that but because Balthazar wouldn't. Cas was sort of pissed for... forever after what happened between him and you”, she gave Dean an short look. “And when he met Balthy two years later, he... he was careful, I think he wanted it but he kind of... he was afraid that it would end up like the thing with you and that it would hurt. So he said no. But Balthy was like 'no way, I know you're the man I'm going to marry, I'm not giving up because some ex-boyfriend of you has been a dick'. He was really sweet. They went on a couple of dates and... what I mean is, Balthazar wanted this so badly. The wedding, a child... Hell, he already talks about more than just one and... I don't see a reason why he would leave. The last day, he was all like 'oh we need a daughter. I want a daughter. Let's call her Rachel. No wait, Hester'. That was the day he went missing, Tell me how he could have changed his mind so much that he tells me he wants a daughter with my brother one evening, that he already has ideas about names, and an hour later, he leaves this man and his child? Tell me, because I don't understand.”

Dean exchanged a short look with Jo but there was nothing he could say. There was nothing any of them could say.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the massive gap between the last chapter and this one, I'll try to make it shorter the next time. Summer holidays kept me quite busy but now where the kids I look after are back in school there should be a little more time (for housework and planing healty dinners). :)  
> I hope you do enjoy this chapter, I'm still working on my style when writing in English, but I hope it's ok. :)

Chapter 4:

Jo went out for another observation day with Benny and spent an awful lot of money on phoning herself through Balthazar's entire appointment book. The three siblings had already called Balthazar's closest friends in case he would turn up at their places, but Jo wanted to check them all in order to get a better picture of their relationship and his character. Dean was quite sure she just wanted to do something, at least something, because it made her feel better. All in all they told the same Anna had. He was a nice guy, they were a happy couple, a happy family.  
It didn't help much, except that it gave them a little more information. They were both working as teachers in New York, where they had met at University. They lived in a nice area, family orientated, their neighbours, the young couple Chuck and Becky Shurley, who had not much time to talk because they had just gotten quadruplets a few months ago and Michael, Lucy, Raphael and Gabriella sounded like an awful lot of work. Even from a 1,228 miles distance. But they, too, described them as a very nice and happy couple.

Dean wasn't exactly sure why he was currently standing in front of the door sign saying 'Milton'. His working day was over, he had checked on Garth, who wasn't actually meant to tell him anything but he had promised to keep him informed nevertheless.  
There still was no trace of Balthazar.

“What are you standing in front of my door for?” Anna said, suddenly appearing on the driveway behind him, carrying a bag of groceries. He should have heard her coming.

“I don't know... I... is there anything I can do?”

Reaching for her keys she walked past him. “Uhm... look after Samandriel maybe because... I didn't really get any sleep since yesterday morning. I told Cas to go to bed, he'll go crazy otherwise. Gabriel is looking after Sammy at the moment, but I think he could use some sleep too and well we didn't want to put Sammy with Cas, because he always wakes up and cries, and I think it's better if Cas stays asleep as long as possible.”

“Yeah sure”, he said, vaguely aware that he had no idea about children at all.

“Oh thanks, you're... a blessing.” She gave him a smile. “I think they're in the living room, it's the furthest away from Cas' room.”

Gabriel was indeed in the living-room, staring at the child who was climbing up his chest more asleep than awake and with long died fascination on his face. “Oh the hot ex-boyfriend, what're you doing here?”

“Babysitting. So you and Anna can get some rest.”

He stared at him for a moment as if waiting for him to reveal the sentence as a joke. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Wonderful”, he said, sounding quite relieved. “Diapers are over there. Food right there. Toys all over the floor. Bed obviously there. But sweet little Sammy doesn't want to sleep. At least he got some sleep last night.” He handed the toddler over to Dean who had absolutely no idea what to do with the child and already felt some regret about saying yes so easily. He knew nothing about children. He tried to smile nevertheless, he maybe wouldn't be a great help but it would probably be better than no help at all. “Thank you. Don't ever wake me up.” With that, he left the room and it was quiet in the kitchen next door too, which meant that Anna was upstairs as well.

“Well..” he said to the babbling child in his arms. “Lucky us, hm?”

But Samandriel just looked at him as if very close to crying again. Great.

The little boy took a little bit of his food about an hour later and Dean promising him all kinds of stuff up to a car for his 16th birthday seemed to work, at least he didn't need to change diapers. Shortly after eating, Samandriel fell asleep in his arms, what actually looked pretty cute, as Dean had to admit although he usually wasn't very enthusiastic when it came to babies. Samandriel had his arm wrapped around a little toy bee and Dean didn't dare to move in fear of waking him up again.

He must have drifted off at some point because it was dark outside when he opened his eyes. Samandriel had cuddled closer to his body, he had just began to wonder why he had woken up as he realized he wasn't alone anymore.  
Cas stood in the doorframe.

“Morning”, he said, not sure how late it was, the clock was hidden in darkness, but it felt better to break the silence.

“It's half past four... so I guess we could call it that”, Cas stepped over to him, carefully taking Samandriel out of his arms and putting him into his bed. “Thank you for taking over.”

“Don't mention it. How are you?”

Something closed in his face and maybe Dean wasn't the right person to ask this. “I don't know”, he said slowly, quietly, his eyes fixed on some distant point on the floor between them. “I honestly don't know. I don't feel particularly bad but definitely not good either.” He shrugged. “Anything new?”

“No, sorry. I'm sure Garth is doing everything he can. Plus Jo and me, we're trying everything...”

“Thanks.”

It was the way he stopped him for finishing the sentence, in how he turned away a little. In his ears the words just sounded like a cheap excuse – and Dean wasn't sure if maybe they were.

***

As he reached the office a few hours and several mugs of Anna's wonderful coffee later he was already in quite a bad mood due to how tired he felt. Finding out that Garth's team was working a different case today, something as negligible as stolen sweets, didn't really improve his mood.  
“Why have you told Garth to put that silly stolen sweets case on priority?” He asked, storming into Dick's office. He knew he shouldn't, hell, he really shouldn't. But he couldn't ignore it.  
It wasn't the fact itself. It wasn't that maybe the case was actually important. It wasn't that there were no traces to track for Garth and his team. It was the disappointment in Cas' eyes. A disappointment he wasn't ready to face again.

“Dean, what a pleasure.” Dick looked up from a file he was studying but he too didn't look too pleasured.

“Why is that sweets case on priority if we have a missing person?”

“Since you are working on the case too, together with Jo, as I couldn't help realizing, you should be aware that there is absolutely no trace at all. The case is still open but I'm not having a team sitting around all day doing nothing.”

“They could search the area.”

“Dean, you're a clever boy and I think you know everything about the case there is. We have a video of the missing person leaving completely of his own free will.”

“So you're going to tell me that guy left this family, taking nothing with him, not even a proper jacket or his wallet? Or his mobile phone? Not even his god damn passport?”

“I see that this seems odd but I really don't think any of us can say how this man thinks. And as long as there is no new trace that tells us anything at all, I am not wasting the time of my teams on this case. And Dean, this is a fair warning, if I see you or Jo playing part in this case during your working time again, there are going to be consequences. I cannot tell you what to do with your free time and if you feel like turning every stone in the city looking for this man, feel free to do so. In your free time.”

“Look, I know there are no signs, but there are not going to be any signs if we don't look for them very carefully. We've talked with their family, neighbours, friends... I had my doubts but I honestly don't think that he would just leave anymore.”

“Do you know this man, Dean?”

“No, but-”

“Exactly, you don't. I want you to look at the facts and not what your ex-whatever says. Treat this like any other case, there is no sign of a break-in, there's no ransom challenge, there is absolutely nothing that tells us there has been a crime. I want you to look at this in a realistic way. What do you see in this case that actually tells us a crime happened? What, except for the sixth sense of a man who hasn't worked a case in over nine years and a bunch of people claiming to know his boyfriend? I can assure you that most people who were friends with somebody who turned out to be a murderer say they didn't expect it either.”

He tried to think of something. Anything more than a feeling and the desperate expression in Cas' eyes. They had absolutely nothing to go with and if this would just be a normal case, he'd say that he had probably just ran off and there was no reason to make this a real investigation.

“Except for if you found anything in your so well-used working time that you haven't told me about yet?” Dick raised an eyebrow but his hands were already turning to the next page in the file on his desk.

There had to be something, some clue he had not seen yet. Some person he had randomly met who had a motive, who had behaved in a odd way. A flower in one the of the well-kept front gardens, destroyed under the crime. Anything at all, even the smallest piece of information, the smallest evidence proving that something had happened, anything to work on.  
“There's nothing, sir.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everybody :) I won't even begin talking about how late this is, no point in that. No, but I had a lovely, lovely Christmas (so much fooood but it was great, I actually didn't have one mince pie so I should probably stroll down into the kitchen some time to find out if there still some left)  
> I hope your Christmas was just as nice and you had the chance to spent it with your loved one's and got a few nice things (my Aunt seems to know I love football so she got me a football quiz - of the wrong club xD actually the club I really, really, strongly dislike - not to use the word hate on Christmas - but yes I really dislike the club but it's sweet of her still. :) And aren't those moments what makes Christmas so great?
> 
> Anyway, let's see if Dean has found out anything more concerning Balthazar's disappearance :)
> 
> Love,  
> Cho

Chapter 5:

Three, four, five days passed. There was no sign of Balthazar. Dick had talked with Jo as well and there was hardly anything more they could do other than keeping their eyes open. He volunteered to walk Sam's dog what made his brother more than just suspicious that something was up since he normally didn't get near that thing, but walking the dog gave him the possibility to walk through Lawrence, mostly in the area of Anna's house, looking for anything. He wasn't sure what he was hoping to find and neither was Jo who tended to join him for dog walks. Blood maybe. Evidence of a fight. Balthazar was a adult man, he would hardly get abducted without protest. It was hard to say which route he had taken for his night walk, there were too many possibilities and after Dean woke up to a rainy day on Monday there was hardly any chance there would be anything left to find. Balthazar's face had been on the news once, here and in New York, and it was all over the city thanks to Anna and Gabriel. But nobody called having seen him.

Work was killing him, with all those extra hours looking for Balthazar he cancelled all the time he usually spent with Jo relaxing in front of the TV in the flat they shared or going out. He wasn't in the mood for fun, not with the empty expression in Cas' eyes haunting him, dragging him back to a case he wasn't allowed to work on. He needed to find Balthazar. He had to. Alive and kicking. Just to bring a smile back on this face.

He kept passing by Anna's, staying for short visits, longing to do something, in the same way the siblings did, but seeing Cas so broken, crying silently, trying to pretend to Samandriel that everything was fine but failing completely was something he couldn't take.  
So he tried to stay away. He was busy enough with his usual work and searching for any sign at all.

Then it was Friday again. Balthazar had been missing for an entire week.

Anna called him on Monday night, half past ten. She asked him to come over, she had to cover for a colleague and since Gabriel wasn't there she didn't want Cas to be alone. He was surprised she called him but he drove the few miles to Anna's anyway. 

She was nearly out of the door, as Dean reached the house she pulled the door closed behind her. “Thanks for coming.”

He just nodded, it wasn't a good idea. He couldn't help Cas, he couldn't even cheer him up or make him stop thinking about it for a moment. And he wasn't good with the kid, even if he had started to like Samandriel quite a bit.

“Sammy has gotten new diapers ten minutes ago, he's fed and in bed, I think he'll sleep some time. But if he wakes up, it would be good if you could look after him. There's a baby alarm in the kitchen, Sammy is in my room. Look, I want you to make sure Cas sleeps. Here are sleeping pills, he'll refuse to take them, you'll have a hard time talking him into it, but he needs them. He's hardly sleeping at all since the nightmares started.”

“Nightmares?”

“It started a couple of days after Balthy disappeared. Last Tuesday I think. He keeps dreaming that Balthy's dead, that you find him and... well, he keeps imagining the worst scenarios in his head, wakes up confused. He refuses to sleep because he wants the nightmares to stop. I know we're torturing him by making him sleep but he needs to, he's killing himself like that. He needs to sleep so you need to make him. I know I'm asking a lot of you and I'm sorry but...” She gave him an apologetic smile and there was so much pain in her eyes, then she pushed the box of medication in his hand. “Thanks, really. I would say call me if you need help but I cannot really come and Gabe hasn't slept for three days, so....”

“It's fine. It's just a night. I can deal.” It was a lie and he wasn't sure if Anna was aware of it. Maybe she couldn't afford to be aware of it right now, because she nodded.  
“See you in the morning Dean. I'll be back around eight.” She opened the door again, letting him inside.

He went into the kitchen to pick up the baby alarm, which he dropped into his pocket, really really hoping little Samandriel would sleep until Anna was back but he doubted it. Well, maybe it was easier to deal with the one-year-old than with Cas. He found Cas in Anna's room where he was watching over his son.

“Hey”, he said while slowly stepping into the room. Cas shortly looked up to acknowledge his presence.

“He's asleep”, Cas said, stating the obvious. He didn't look at Dean, his eyes fixed on Samandriel who was stretching his arms, fast asleep. The little figure of an angel stood next to his bed and Dean couldn't help but notice that an almost identical figure still stood in his old bedroom at his parents' house. “So... you're here to tell me what to do?”

“Cas-”

“Because you can forget about it.” He rose, shaking his head and left Anna's room. Dean gave Samandriel a last look who was clinging to a toy animal now before he followed him.

He re-found him in the kitchen where he was making coffee, probably a clear statement to how he wasn't going to bed. He felt wrong, he had no right bossing Cas around. But trying to keep himself from sleeping wasn't good. He looked bad, it was clearer now that he wasn't turned away from him in semi-darkness. His eyes were red, puffy, there were dark circles underneath them and he looked exhausted. Way more exhausted than Dean had ever seen him. More exhausted than after any of the sporting exercises they had faced during police training. And they had been exhausting. More exhausted than during any long, long nights of observations, the coffee long gone. And more than after any of their oh so secret nightly activities.

“Cas”, he started, but Cas made him shut up with a single look, stating that nothing he might say would make any difference and everything would be used against him. He sighed, keeping silent although he wasn't feeling good about it.  
He remained at the other end of the kitchen, until the pot filled with a litre of hot, boiling water slipped out of Cas' hand. It fell to the ground, water sloshed but the pot didn't fall over. Nevertheless he hurried to pull Cas away from the boiling water which ran over the floor. Cas looked at his hand in surprise and they both knew it hadn't fallen because Cas had handed it carelessly.

“No coffee”, he said while gripping his hands tighter around Cas' arms. He wasn't going to let Cas poison himself any more with anything that was keeping him awake. He looked at him until Cas gave him a short nod.

“I don't want to sleep”, Cas said suddenly, his voice so different to how it had been before, weak and afraid.

“Cas, you-”

He shook his head, his eyes filled with tears. “Please don't make me sleep.”

“You need to sleep, Cas”, he said, trying to sound persuasive, but it felt hard, wrong. It hurt. Seeing how Cas took his eyes off him, disappointed. As if nobody understood him.

“Look, Cas-”

“No. You can't make me.” He was defensive. Again. Turning away, freeing of his hold.

“No, I can't”, he agreed and hell he didn't want to. But letting him force himself to stay awake... he couldn't do that either. “But I can watch over you.”

Cas turned back to him, giving him a surprised look. “Watch over me?”

“I can watch over you and promise to wake you up when you show any sign of a nightmare.”

He was looking at Dean sceptically and it wasn't too hard to tell that he didn't believe him. “You would wake me up?”

“Yes, I promise. Any painful sound, any moving around out of the ordinary, anything odd and I will wake you up.”

“And if you're not sure?” Cas asked, still eyeing him suspiciously.

“Then I'll still wake you up. And I never broke my promises, did I?”

Another moment passed, then Cas nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Dean couldn't stop himself from pulling him into a tight embrace, holding him close for much longer than he should.

***

He went to bed without sleeping pills what worried Dean for a moment, who sat down on the empty part of the bed. It took some time until Cas seemed able to keep himself from drifting through his thoughts and the fear on his mind, until he was able to calm himself enough to fall asleep.

Dean had to wake him twice, once unsure if the twitching in his face meant anything, but he had promised to wake him and he really wanted to save him from any bad dream at all. He leaned closer after waking up, until Dean had to lie down and hold him close. He drifted back to sleep eventually. After waking and falling asleep for the third time he seemed to sleep more calmly. 

It felt good. It was all Dean could say. It felt good holding Cas in his arms, feeling him relax slowly. Knowing this was wrong hurt.  
He shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be in Cas' life again. He should have his little, boring life, full of boring cases and nights out with Jo and Benny and meaningless affairs. Cas should be happy with the man he had chosen to marry and the son they raised together and the baby girl they were planning to have. A perfect, apple pie life.  
Balthazar should be here, cuddling Cas to sleep without having a reason to, just because Cas loved to cuddle.  
It shouldn't be him, here in this bed.  
And Dean shouldn't start missing Cas after having stopped to do so many years ago. He wasn't the right one for Cas, it was obvious to see.  
But he would find Balthazar and he would drag that son of a bitch back to his family because he would be alright, just having a fucking midlife crisis, but being alright and alive and safe. And Cas would be happy again.  
And Dean could walk away, return to his boring life with his stupid affairs knowing that Cas was happy.  
He would get stupid, colourful postcards from them and the kids at Christmas and other occasions like Samandriel's first day in nursery school or when – how did Balthazar want to call her? Hester? - when Hester said her first word or walked her first steps. And he would pin them to the fridge and he would be happy because Cas was with somebody who deserved him.

***

As Anna came home at half past eight the next morning Cas was still asleep, Dean had been forced to leave him twice a few hours earlier to feed Samandriel and gosh change a diaper. But he had sneaked back into the warm bed as soon as the baby had been asleep again.  
Anna didn't even seem surprised to find them cuddling, way too close. She signed to him that he could go home if he wanted, but he refused. He wouldn't leave until Cas woke up, he wouldn't let him dream of anything bad.  
Cas woke up after noon, hours after Dean had called off work pretending to be ill. He felt relieved about him waking up, he could hardly keep himself from falling asleep and breaking the promise.

“How did you sleep?” Dean asked, breaking the moment of awkwardness turning up by how close they were.

“Good”, Cas said, still looking tired but so much better than yesterday. He let go of Dean, not looking him into the eyes as he did. “Thank you.” It sounded almost formal, he tried to ignore the aching, Cas was right.

“Don't mention it.” Formal as well. “I... um... I think I better get home.” He got up, avoiding eye contact too now. “You should probably eat something. Anna made pancakes earlier. She said she left you some in the fridge. She called a babysitter for Samandriel and went to bed. The babysitter is paid for until 9 pm, Anna said if you wake up, let the babysitter stay and relax a little. You can wake her up if...” He shrugged.

Cas nodded. “It's good if she sleeps too. She's doing too much already.”

“Well, the babysitter is meant to wake her up before she leaves. Anna suggested you watch a film or read a book.” Actually she hadn't but maybe it could take his thoughts away for some time.

“Yeah, maybe I do that.”

“Watch Star Wars. Would be a good opportunity.” He had always tried to make him watch it but Cas always refused with his pure ignorance for the whole Sci-Fi genre.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Dean nodded slowly. “Well then... goodbye.” It still felt a little wrong to leave. But on the other hand so relieving, and well, Anna was there. She could take care of the situation way better then he could.

“Dean?” His voice sounded different now. Careful, less present.

Already on the threshold he turned back. “Yes?”

“Can you... could you come back tonight?” His eyes were fixed on the bed sheets underneath him.

“Um...” What? This had been a last-idea thing from Anna because she couldn't just ask somebody Cas didn't even know to look after him but he was a horrible at it, he couldn't cheer people up, not at all. And Cas wanted to repeat it?

“Please.”

“Um... sure. I just... I just need to work tomorrow. So I need to go around seven.”

“That's fine. Just... don't leave me alone please.” He still didn't look at him, his hand clinging to the blanket.

“I'll be back, I promise.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took literally ages, I am just so busy at the moment. A year abroad really leaves one with no free time, so much to do, so much to do. And University ablications are coming up. :)   
> Thank you so much for the kudos and the comments, they reminded me that I still had this story open, I promise you it will be finished, I just tend to forget to update over my business, for which I am utterly sorry, there is just so much at hand (nice things, but they keep me busy and occupied^^).  
> Lots of love from rainy England :)

Chapter 6

“Gosh, what happened to you?” Jo asked who turned up ten minutes late but with two Thermos flasks with coffee. Benny and Kevin had left already, slightly against the rules but it wasn't like any of them cared about correct shift changeovers.

“What do you mean?”

“You look horrible Dean Winchester”, she placed the coffee on the floor of the car.

“Yeah didn't sleep that much.” He had slept the whole day after returning to their flat yesterday and had returned around eight, watching over Cas for the whole night, until he had woken up for a final time as he had been forced to leave.

“Anything to do with Cas?”

“He won't sleep unless I promise to wake him whenever he had a nightmare.”

Jo raised both eyebrows. “That's... almost cute.”

“That's not cute. It has nothing to do with cute. Why is that cute?”

“Oh gosh Dean, you're so still into that guy it's obvious. Even Anna realized it.”

“I'm not-”

“Don't lie to me. We proved often enough that I know you better than you do yourself.” She smiled and Dean realized that he missed smiles. He missed the weightless happiness, just horsing around with Jo, teasing Kevin, the new on their team, a horrible police man since he was afraid of everything but a great help because of his cleverness. Watching football with Benny having Jo around loving to argue about the sense in sport like that. All those things that weren't a part of his life right now.

“Dean, thing is... he's married now. And I know Anna thinks it doesn't matter because you can help Cas, because you care about him and hell I understand her, he's her brother and she cares a lot about him. But I care about you as well and I don't think you're doing yourself a favour with this.”

“I know. But... hell, Jo, we need to find that guy. We need to, we have. I'm not going to let this destroy him. Or anything.”

“I talked with Garth yesterday, they're still on the case, frequently, but there's not really anything to work with. And well, Dick says they're wasting their time.”

Well, not the best way of getting the team to work on the case. He still found it hard to turn his head around what might have happened. There were cases of people going missing without any trace at all, without any prove of a crime, sure. But he didn't see a reason. In the first days there still had been the possibility of ransom challenge, not that the Milton's were rich or anything, but it had at least been an option. As the days had passed it had become unlikely.

He randomly noticed that Jo's phone rang but he didn't really bother, trying to find a more comfortable position in his seat, trying to sleep a little. Jo could wake him when anything happened, he was too damn tired.   
A fist hit his arm maybe a minute later. “What? Did somebody steal a coke?”

“No, I- were you sleeping? God damn it, I got a call from, look at me, it's important you idiot. That was Garth. There's another missing person report. Azazael Masters. Male, Balthazar's age, slightly older, blonde like him if it's of any use, his wife Meg reported him missing his morning. Garth says it's maybe nothing but since we usually don't have an missing person reports and there were similarities.. well it could be nothing but...” She moved her head unsure as if she was trying to figure out if it would actually be good if these two cases had anything to do with each other. “Well, thing is, Dick accepted the idea that these both cases might have something to do with each other, Garth says mostly because this Meg was in the room as he mentioned Balthazar's case and well serial- serial abductors bring publicity. He's a dick, that's nothing new. But since this is an important case, we're meant to help. So bye bye observations, we're going to visit Mrs Masters now and well, we try to find out if there are any more similarities. Garth's team is looking through the neighbourhood, looking for anybody who might have seen anything, the whole thing.”

It wasn't good. Not really. It was good as far as Balthazar's case wouldn't be closed yet and maybe they were able to find out anything more because of this but if the cases were in fact hanging together... this would mean there was a crime. What rose the chances of Balthazar being dead already. “Why do they want us on the case?” He said while starting the car.

“Well Dick said we would need another team and Garth was so nice to mention that we already know everything about this case, this Meg Masters woman was still in the office at that time, so well he didn't really have a choice. We are the best qualified to work on this case.”

***

Whatever these missing person cases were about Dean doubted once more it were ransom challenges. The Masters' shared a little flat, nice, with a little garden, but little and they didn't seem to have a few millions on some bank account. They weren't poor but not rich either. According to his wife Azazael had gone missing somewhen in the night. Meg had left for a late shift at work around nine and hadn't been home until six the next day, where she had found the flat empty. Usually he was home when she returned from work, still asleep or maybe making an early breakfast. He hadn't shown up at work two hours later and didn't reply to phone calls.

“So”, Jo said as they were back in the office meeting with Garth' team an hour after talking with Meg. “There are surprisingly many similarities between the two cases. Like we already said, both are male, nearly the same age, Mr Cassidy with 34 years and Mr Masters with 37, both are blond, not too different from the outer appearance. They both went missing possibly around the same time.”

“Most people disappear in the night and we have no idea when Mr Masters disappeared. It could have been hours earlier or hours later”, Kevin said and Dean once again felt the desire to make him shut up somehow. Not permanently, but at least for a moment.

“We cannot run out the possibility that they disappeared at the same time and even if they didn't, it doesn't man it wasn't the same person who caused their disappearance.”

“Dean's right. To continue. Both didn't take their mobile phones with them, we found Mr Masters' phone in the living-room.”

“Could be a sign that they don't want to be found. I mean we could track them if they had their mobile phones with them.” Garth. Helpful as always. Well, at least they could work on the case thanks to him.

“Yeah and these two guys who have never met or have any idea about the other person's existence just happen to run off without a note or anything in less than two weeks?”

He turned to Benny who had until now punished them with talking even less than usual not to say not at all for having him returned to work about two hours after he had finished his shift and gave him a smile, at least someone was taking their side on this.

“Could be a coincidence.”

“Yeah, could be, but there are quite a few similarities, so I wouldn't go with that too early.” Sitting down on her desk Jo shook her head softly, running every detail they'd got over and over again in her head.

“So what? A serial killer or what are you talking about?” Kevin looked at her with disbelief and he wasn't the only one.

“He's not dead.” Maybe it came a little too loud, a little too desperate, because even Jo was eyeing him in weird way, but he just knew. Balthazar couldn't be dead. “I mean seriously, a serial killer? Here in Lawrence?”

“Somebody who runs around abducting people doesn't sound much less odd to me.” Garth sounded as if he was sorry for saying it but he was right. It wasn't likely and he wouldn't have expected it.

“Yeah maybe but, crimes can happen everywhere, just because it usually doesn't, don't mean it never does. Look, guys, I am hoping these two are fine, I really do but for the freaking, little chance that this is an abduction case, we need to find them and make it stop.”

“Dean, it's not like we're not trying. We searched for Balthazar Cassidy, we really did but there's nothing. You said that yourself according to Dick. And we searched every centimetre of the Masters' flat, there is nothing. No breaking in, nobody of the neighbours heard anything.”

“Well”, Kevin said quietly. “There no signs of breaking in in both of their homes, so what if they let their abductor in?”

He had thought about that already ages ago, but it made hardly any sense. “No idea about the Masters' guy, but it's Anna's house, Balthazar wouldn't just let somebody into the house in the middle of the night. Dude's not that stupid.”

“Well, but according to our conversations with the Milton siblings, all of them were already in bed, even asleep, maybe he let somebody in and wanted to wake Anna up to tell her there is a visitor for her.”

“Nobody opens doors for strangers in the middle of the night. And we saw nobody in the video tape. He wasn't abducted from home.”

“Well, there you go. He was abducted on his way to where ever the hell he went in the middle of the night. And Mr Masters got abducted from his flat, because according to his wife he didn't tend to go out for nightly walks.”

There weren't really getting anywhere. Although there were similarities in both disappearances, there weren't enough to go with. Nothing to tell anything about a possible abductor. The idea that Mr Masters might knew him didn't help them that much since his wife had no idea who would want anything bad for her husband.  
They informed Castiel and his siblings after they were done with quite a fruitless meeting, Cas, Gabriel and Samandriel turned up in their office so fast they must have ignored quite a few speed limits. It didn't really improve the situation or the mood. Cas sat looking worried in a corner, holding Samandriel close, trying to cheer him up whenever the child was starting to get crotchety and although he was unlike his brother mostly silent Dean felt more disturbed by his presence. Whenever he looked up from his phone, a file or anything his eyes found those blue eyes so filled with fear. Gabriel did a good job in trying to make Garth's team feel bad for not having found Balthazar yet and he didn't hide his opinions from Dick who was shortly coming around to check on their progess.

“So... you think this might be a serial...” he bit his lip, Samandriel had fallen asleep on his lap. They were alone, Benny and Kevin had been allowed to go home to get some rest, Garth's team was out checking some theories, Jo was using Garth's office telephoning with the local news, giving them descriptions and pictures of both missing persons and Gabe had gone to the cafeteria a few minutes ago. “Do you think he's still alive?”

“Yes.” He tried to keep al the fear which grew inside him out of his voice. “I know this sounds all kinds of bad but there is absolutely no sign of something like murder.”

“Yeah”, Cas said lowering his gaze. “But there's no sign of anything else either.”


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Moonlight coloured his arm in light silver, standing in a bright contrast to the dark sheets on which he laid and tried to sleep. Cas hadn't want him to come home with him, he had asked him but he had denied. Hell, it had been exhausting and torturing, seeing Cas like that, but lying here alone in his bed felt somehow worse. His thoughts kept drifting back to Cas and whether he could sleep or whether he was trying to stay awake or if he was trapped in a nightmare nobody woke him from.

He was a mess when he arrived the next morning and was quite happy neither Cas nor Gabriel were sitting on the threshold. Jo was there already, as well as Kevin, who seemed too busy with his computer for anything than a “hey”. Jo gave him a almost sorry look, so he decided it probably was a good idea to drown himself in coffee before she would ask him what was up with him today.

“So, um, since we expanded the search over the whole country yesterday evening, we got five calls. Two people in Rock Springs, Wyoming, claim to have seen Azazael Masters yesterday, one of them is a very old lady, who... well let's say we cannot completely take her opinion for a fact. Another man says he's seen Mr Masters in Livingston, Montana, he just called this morning. Another one said he's seen him in Orlando, Florida. And a woman from Portland, Oregon, just called having seen Balthazar, she said..” She stopped, biting her lip. As Dean lifted his gaze from the mug of coffee he was filling, he saw why. Gabriel stood in the door, he seemed to be alone.

“What? What did she say?”

“Well, she said... you're not going to like it and neither is Cas, but she said she hooked up with a guy in a bar yesterday night, one night stand, he left this morning, but she says it could have been Balthazar.” Biting her lip again, she looked down on her desk.

He could see Gabe close in eyes in pain. “We don't know if it's really Balthazar, but no matter if we know or not, nobody of you is going to tell my brother this part. Maybe he's been seen. That's it.”

“Gabriel”, Jo kneaded her hands leaving herself time until she looked him in the eyes. “Could you imagine this is true?”

“Hell, I don't know. I don't think so. He's... not the guy for that. He never hurt Cas, I don't think he would. I never was into women. But I don't know. I mean, I... I really don't know. But I don't think so. Really, I couldn't imagine him to do this. How high are the chances that these eyewitnesses are wrong?” Sitting down on a chair it got more obvious how tired even he looked.

“Quite high. No way this Masters guy could be in Florida. Not yesterday, at least not without a plane and we would know if he'd taken a plane. And he cannot have been in two places at once so one of them is wrong definitely.”

Gabriel nodded, looking hardly relieved.

“How's Cas?”

“Bad. He refused to sleep again and well as Anna found him awake, barely keeping himself so, she... well they got into quite a fight. She says he's letting Sammy down, he has a responsibility towards him, in the end she made him take sleeping pills, but they're both pissed at each other. It's hell. I mean, I can understand them both. So, what are you up to?”

“We've informed the police in Portland, but with asking them to check on it, it of course that would rather be a case of running away again, which isn't really priority. We have to see what it'll bring.” Truth was, there still wasn't really anything they could do. They had checked any people both Azazel and Balthazar or even Azazael and Cas knew since Balthazar didn't really knew anybody here, but they hadn't found anybody. Cas hadn't been in Lawrence too often since he had left ten years ago and even if they had grown up in the same area of town, they never seemed to have met, neither had they any friends in common.  
If they had both been abducted they were most likely random victims. What really didn't help finding an abductor.

“Do you still try to contact Balthazar just in case it's no abduction at all?” Jo said, pinning a little note with Balthazar's name and the date over entire Oregon on the map at the wall.

“Yeah, I wrote him quite a few mails, I told him how Cas is doing just in case he's... well in case he's fine and whatever. But I seriously doubt he's enjoying himself in Oregon or wherever. Why should he? Rather sounds like me but not like him.”

***

He was just on the way out of the office, frustrated about another day without any helpful results as his phone rang. Unknown number. “Winchester?”

“Hello Dean. It's me... Cas.” There was no need saying it, he had gotten so used to his voice again over the last week he could have told his voice apart from so many others.

“Cas..” he stopped. Whatever he had wanted to say it seemed stupid now. It was nice to hear from him? Hell, it wasn't. Yes, it was, it made him happy in a way it shouldn't because for God's sake, Cas was married now and he was meant to find his husband. And this made it everything but nice. He could hear the pain in his voice in even these few words. “What can I do for you?” It sounded even more stupid than everything else.

“I... I just wondered if you... could come over tonight.” There was a trace of fear in his voice, fear of the answer, fear of sleeping, Dean couldn't tell.

“Yeah sure. I'm just leaving work, I'm on my way.” He shouldn't say yes, he needed sleep, just a damn night of sleep, not lying awake, looking after Cas. There was no way he would survive a whole day of work tomorrow if he was staying awake the whole night.

“Thank you Dean.”

***

Anna, who looked close to either screaming at somebody or starting to cry, seemed more happy to see him than he had expected. She in fact smiled and pulled him in a quick hug, whispering thanks in his ears before she let go of him again. “Sammy's asleep, Cas just brought him to bed, I hope he sleeps straight for some hours, he's quite upset about his dad not being here. He cries a lot, throws tantrums... it's hard. Look, I need to go to the office for a few hours, we've got quite an important divorce case going on right now, I need to do a little bit of work, I can't leave them alone all the time because of what's going on. Gabe's still at the police station?”

“Yeah, he said we would stay a little longer, tyrannize Garth's team.”

“Sounds like him, yeah. If you need me, call me, I've got my mobile phone with me. And thanks, Dean. Really, I am happy you're here. And I'm sorry”, she gave him a sad smile, pulling him in for another hug before she left.

“Dean.” Cas stood behind him in the door frame to the living-room as he turned around, looking tired and exhausted and filled with pain but nevertheless there was a little smile on his face. “Thanks for coming.”

“It's fine, it's nothing. You did way more for me.”

“Have you eaten? Anna made lasagne earlier. There's still some left if you want.”

“No, it's fine. We ate at work.”

It felt awkward somehow and he knew he shouldn't be here. But Cas had asked him to come, for which reason ever. They would probably never talk about this when all this was over, when Balthazar was back, safe and sound. And it hurt in a way it shouldn't. Without a word they climbed uo the stairs and sat down on the bed in which he didn't belong at all.

“I'm... I'm sorry about... this... it's just... I'm doing this for Samandriel”, Cas said, and he wasn't even sure about what the other was sorry exactly. “Anna's right, he needs me. And I cannot look after him if I...”

“It's okay. Just try to sleep. I'll wake you if you have a nightmare.”

“No, it's okay, you can sleep... just... just hold me. Please.” Cas looked at him with those tear-filled eyes and pulled him into his arms.

He slept well that night, better than in a long time actually, even though he hadn't felt as if he was sleeping bad. He woke up once when they heard Samandriel cry over the baby phone, but Cas got up, telling him to stay in bed and cuddled back into his arms about ten minutes later. And he didn't look frightened, he didn't look scared, hunted by nightmares, he actually looked fine, as if his pure presence was keeping the dreams away.

When he awoke in the next morning, Cas was still asleep, an arm pulled around him, his head resting against his chest. He was absolutely calm, no sign of a nightmare at all, his skin was dry, his face relaxed.

The nearly magic atmosphere of being trapped in a bubble in which everything seemed to be okay was destroyed merely moments later when his phone rang and Jo told him that Azazael Masters had been found.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

Azazael Masters sat in his office as Dean reached the police station about fifteen minutes after Jo had called him. Alive and healthy. Having run off after being really annoyed after another fight with his wife and slightly tired of their marriage. No abduction. He and his wife were now talking about divorce but Dean couldn't care less, neither about this and far less about his sorry smile, he let Kevin take Azazael's testimony. It wasn't a bad sign. It rose the chances of Balthazar still being alive.  
The bad thing was that for Dick the case was clear. Of course Balthazar hadn't returned but it didn't look like a serial killer or whatever horrible thing anymore with Azazael being back, and well, with no sign of Balthazar in two weeks it made the case more and more sketchy. Dean knew Dick wasn't too wrong putting the case in the background. They had nothing to go with, it wasn't like they could do anything. They had no trace, no theory to track.

“You cannot put the case away just because this Azazael is back.” Cas looked angry, disappointed and Dean wished they weren't freaking alone in the office with Jo and the rest out on normal work again.

“Then tell me what to do. It's not like I chose to put that case away, damn it, but – and I hate saying this – but this time Dick's right, we have nothing to work with. I don't want to put this case away, god damn it, you know I wanna help you, I am trying freaking everything, in case you didn't notice.”

“We not going to find him if we don't even look.”

“Yeah, I know. But where shall we look? Do you want me to knock on the door of every house in Lawrence and ask them to let me search their basement? It's not going to get us anywhere. Look, if there was anything, anything at all, somebody you know who would have any interest in doing something like that to Balthazar or to you, then tell me and I will look into it. But you don't know anybody who would and I don't know anybody who would either. Damn it, Cas, you worked for the police long enough to know there's nothing we can do about this. He's on the news over the whole country. If somebody sees him, they'll call.”

“Yeah, because that's what abductor or damn it... killers always do.” He shook his head, the expression in his eyes showing how betrayed he felt. But hell, he wasn't betraying him. This whole shit wasn't his fault. He hadn't made Balthazar disappear. And he had tried freaking everything, it wasn't his fault that Azazael was back alive and in best health, something that actually should make them happy. He had done everything he could, even against Dick's will. And hell, if there was anything – anything at all – he would do it, he would try.

“I cannot change what happened and I cannot make him come back. I wish I could, I wish we had something and we would find him, hell I wish this whole thing had never happened. Damn it, I know this is tearing you apart, but I'm doing what I can and this might be a good sign that this guy is back, and maybe you should start thinking about the possibility that Balthazar like him really just ran off.”

“He wouldn't run off.”

“Yeah, funny enough hat Meg said the same about her husband and he did. And oh, Ellen said that too and Jo's father ran off to, hell Cas, people do that, I freaking don't like it either but it's not may fault what he might have done.”

He was shaking his head softly, moving it from left to right and back all over again as if he had even forgotten that he still made the moves. “No.” A tear left his eye and Dean immediately felt a little bad for what he had said. “No, Dean, I know he didn't run away. I just know.”

“Yeah and how do you?” he said, wanting to bite his tongue but he couldn't.

“I'm married to him. I know he didn't. He just wouldn't.”

“Well maybe you don't.” He hated himself for saying it as soon as the words left his lips. The expression of conviction on Cas' face slipped, made place for confusion and fear, shock.

“What do you mean with that?”

“Nothing, I just... I... we all have to be open for all-”

“Dean, I know you meant something with that. Tell me.”

“I meant nothing.”

“You know something that I don't know. Tell me.”

He shook his head, no. He was angry, yes, he was tried of this whole case, he could hardly tell how much he wanted it to be over but he wasn't going to tell Cas this and not just because Gabriel had told him not to, but simply because he couldn't.

“Dean, I've got a right to know. You know something about Balth. Why don't you tell me?” Cas looked at him in a way that made him fear that every possibility Cas imagined was probably worse than the truce.

“It's probably nothing.”

“Dean.” Another tear ran down his face.

“The woman who thinks she saw him in Portland... they...” He didn't finish the sentence. He just couldn't, instead he stepped over to him and tried to pull him into an embrace but the other one pushed him away.

“No. No. You're just saying that.”

“It probably doesn't mean anything at all, she could be wrong, he was already gone that morning and she's been drunk, he was a total stranger, maybe-”

“No, you're just trying to make me believe he's gone cheating on me. You're lying.” Making a step backwards as he spoke he wiped the tears from his face.

“Why the hell should I?” He tried to make a step towards Cas but as he made another step away from him he stopped. Great.

“Because you want me back. You think I still love you because of what I asked you. You want me back, so you try to make me believe Balthazar's cheating on me so I return to you.”

“Cas, that's bullshit and you know it.”

“No it's not.” He shook his head. “It's not. Gosh, why am I so stupid? I should have known.”

“Cas-”

This wasn't happening. Cas couldn't possibly believe a word he was saying. Not after everything he had done for him, everything he was doing. Hell, yes, he still liked him, even in a way he shouldn't but he wasn't doing this out of selfishness. He was doing this for Cas. Yes maybe he wanted him but he knew he wouldn't get him and this wasn't and had never been his aim.  
“Cas seriously, man, you don't believe that.”

“Stay away from me. I don't want to see you again, Dean Winchester.” Under the anger on his face he looked hurt. So damn hurt. He really believed it. Every word he had said. He believed it. He fucking believed that he was trying to persuade him to think that Balthazar was cheating on him so he had better chances getting back with him.  
Hell, he hadn't even wanted to give him this information.

“Cas-”

“No. Just... no”, shaking his head, his eyes so filled with disbelief and pain, he turned and was out of the door before he could say another word. And he just watched him leave, motionless, part of him angry that Cas could even think something like that but for the biggest part simply shocked. But then again, it wasn't like him and Cas had gotten anywhere these last days or that he had meant them to. It had been over ten years ago, it didn't matter. It didn't matter that Cas hated him for believing something that simply wasn't true. He would find Balthazar and he would leave their life again. And well, maybe Cas would still hate him, still believe the stupid things he told himself, but it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't matter in any stupid way.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ohoh, we are getting close to the ending :p

Chapter 9:

Most of the next two days just passed, he got random comments from Jo, before breakfast, at work, during dinner and while brushing his teeth, whether he was okay or what had happened while she had been gone, but he spared her the truce about what Cas had said. Dick removed them completely from the Cassidy-Case and made it the responsibility of Garth's team again and forbid them to be found in Garth's office to sneak around the case and even though he swirled the whole scenario over and over again in his head, he couldn't find any new hints.  
He heard nothing from Cas either. Gabriel seemed to have visited the office once, at least Ruby from Garth's team told him that he had had a very loud argument with Dick which could have been heard all over the floor. According to Sam Anna was at work more regularly again, but she still seemed to spend a lot of her time with her brother. Also, Sam mentioned that Anna had mentioned that Cas refused to return to New York just yet.

Confessing to himself that he still was into Cas wasn't really a hard thing, he had known for quite some time since he had met the other man again, even admitting that he was into him a lot more than maybe even ten years ago, wasn't a problem at all. Jo seemed to be quite aware and that his aversion of talking with her about this had nothing to do with not wanting to admit it. It wasn't even about that he had long understood that he would never get another chance with Cas.  
It was about his worry.

He was and had always been a realist. He saw the things how they were. Not pessimistic but not optimistic as well. In many ways different to how Cas had been when they had still been a couple. A dreamer. And somehow this hadn't changed over all the years.  
But he wasn't a dreamer. And he didn't have much faith in Balthazar returning. There were two possibilities. The first one was that he had left Cas and Samandriel for some reason only he could tell. He had for some reason not seen a possibility for a life together anymore and had left, looking for something else, something that was in his eyes better.  
The other possibility was that he had been abducted. Missing persons were unlikely to be found after 48 hours. Balthazar was missing for over two weeks. The chance that he was still alive was down to minimum, the chances that he would be found weren't higher. Maybe he had been killed right in the night he had disappeared, long buried in the backyard of some abandoned house.

In both possibilities, the chances of him returning were... small. It was unlikely. If he had just ran off, two weeks should be more than enough time to realize his mistake, if he saw leaving Cas as a mistake. And hell, he would at least have called him, written him a text, a mail, something. His face was on the news. Even if he was an idiot enough to run away from such a wonderful person, he would have seen it and he would know Cas was be worried sick. He would at least have given him a sign saying he was still alive.

If he had been abducted, and Dean became more and more sure of it... he probably wouldn't return anymore. Of course, there were cases of victims returning home after months of capture, even years, but the chances that he was dead were much higher.  
He knew the statistics.

And the thought made him sick in a way that forced him to sit down, and close his eyes until he managed to push the thought away. Thing was, he hardly could.  
What would happen to Cas if Balthazar never returned? If he never, never came home? Would he just keep living from day to day just like now, being sure that tomorrow would be the day he turned? It would destroy him. It already did now. He couldn't live like that. He just couldn't. It would tear him to pieces, his fear of what might have happened, every horrible imagination would grow in his head with the time. It would haunt him, never leave him.  
And the pure imagination of this happening hurt in ways he had never experienced before. Ways more than when Cas and him had split up all those years ago. Or anything else he could think of.

He couldn't talk about this with Jo, theoretically he probably could and she would of all likelihood understand but he couldn't. He couldn't tell her all this.  
She would probably just tell him again that he still was in love with him. Like he didn't know that. But it didn't matter. This wasn't about him being in love with somebody he had let go ten years ago, this was about... Cas being alright. Would Balthazar be back, he could almost easily turn away and be fine with not having Cas for himself. But like that? He couldn't just turn away, pretending that things would be alright again sooner or later. Cas couldn't stay in Lawrence all year, term started in less than a week and even if he stayed longer he couldn't stay forever. Anna and Gabriel would probably kill each other if they spent too much time altogether. Eventually Cas would have to return to New York, where he would be alone with Samandriel, alone in a house filled with memories, a house they had meant to grow old in. Together. It would tear him apart. And with Anna and Gabriel both being in Lawrence and having their own life half a continent away, he would be on his own. They couldn't just come over every weekend, he knew how busy Sam was in the lawyer chamber and as far as he knew over Sam from Anna, Gabe owned a sweets shop in town, he probably couldn't leave on its own all the time too.

Dean couldn't leave him alone. It wasn't his business, they had no kind of relationship anymore that would require him to be there but part of him didn't even care that Cas probably didn't want him there.  
But the thought of turning away... no. On the other hand, he couldn't follow Cas to New York without making him believe this bullshit even more. Well, no, he needed to talk with him. He needed to sort this out, make him understand that he was only there to help. To let him know he wasn't alone in this.

He got into the car, hearing Jo yell something after him, but he didn't understand, probably where he was going, didn't matter now, he could tell her later.  
In the car he realized he wasn't sure what to say to him. He didn't want to strengthen what Cas thought, he probably would, but he had to try, he wouldn't just let something terrible happen again. Like he had ten years ago, as he hadn't stopped Cas from leaving, just because he had known he could have lived without Cas but not far away from his family, from Sam, from his parents, who had fought so much at that time, so much he had been scared to leave because nobody would be there to stop them from ending their marriage. He had stayed, feeling like a child, knowing he even did behave like one, but so relieved when things between John and Mary had went better again, when Sam and John had stopped fighting as well, he had forgotten about Cas.

He didn't regret his decision though. He had never been forced to see Sam as heart-broken as Jo, as her Dad had left them, he had never been forced to see Sam leave after collage as he had always said and not come back to their father again. Sam had always been on their mother's side, even though him and John were so similar. He had never been forced to see his family fall apart. John and Mary still lived together, happily, Sam visited them often, things between him and their father were very well. He had made the right decision, being there for his family when they had needed him to be there.  
But being relieved that Cas had made a decision for him that he couldn't have made, had been a horrible end to their relationship. As well as just turning away and forgetting about him.  
Sure they had been young, their relationship not long, a few months, looking at Cas now, he hadn't known what a lucky man he had been all those years back. Their relationship had never been too much about love, he had been in love, he could say that now and he knew Cas had been too, but it had been more physical back then, and hell why not, they had been 21, 22, they hadn't cared about life-long relationships, not even about tomorrow.

As he turned onto the street Anna lived, he almost collided with a parking car. The house was on fire.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooorry, this was not an intended break to rise the suspense. My hostfamily's dog chewed my wire and I had no computer for ages until my new wire arrived. Currenly I'm a little ill (and so is my hostmum, while my hostdad is on a business trip, we're having fun here looking after the kids^^) so I'm lying in bed anyway and had time to update.
> 
> Lots of love :)

Chapter 10

For a moment he felt as if he couldn't move, then he was out of the car and in front of the house. Cas. Cas. Cas. It kept rattling through his head. Samandriel sat on the grass, far away from the fire, tied to his baby seat, so he couldn't go near the fire. But Cas wasn't there.  
Samandriel couldn't have moved himself here, which meant whoever put him here, was probably back in the house. He got out his mobile phone, it was freaking half past eight in the morning, kids where at school or at the nursery school, parents at work, nobody was at home in the neighbourhood, called 911, then Jo. “Anna's house is on fire, Samandriel is fine, but I don't know where Cas is. Call Anna and Gabriel, I need to know if they're in the house as well.” He could hear her starting to say something about being careful but he already hung up. He put his phone back into his pocket, was already in the house.

“Cas?” It was hard so see anything through the heavy, thick smoke. “Damn it...” He couldn't make out from where the fire was coming but there was no way of entering the living-room and going upstairs probably wasn't the best idea either. he realized taking the stairs, covering mouth and nose with his shirt. “Cas?”  
Gabriel's room, first on the right upstairs was on fire too, he nearly tripped over Cas, being unable to see him through the smoke. “Cas!” He knelt down beside him, shaking him, then he pulled his arm over his shoulder and him back on his feet.

“Dean?” He whispered, and he could feel his hand gripping his arm while he pulled him with him back downstairs.

“Yes, it's me. I get you out of here.”

“No...” He seemed to want to protest, pull him back but he could hardly stand on his own feet, coughing more than breathing. Dean pulled him closer, managing to climb down the stairs again, it got harder to breathe. “No... Balth... no..”

“Anna and Gabriel, are they...?” The smoke was getting thicker, the air was burning, the kitchen was on fire too now.

“Balth... Balth...” He seemed hardly able to speak, his hand gripped tighter around his arm, it hurt. “Dean... Balth.”

“Cas, he's missing, you know that. Where are Anna and Gabriel?” Last few steps, then they were out in, in front of the house. Safe. He suppressed the reflex to just pull him even closer and kiss him senseless. He had saved him. Cas was alright. Well, smoke poisoning and confusion because of the shock maybe but, he would survive. He was okay. They were both okay. He let him down on the pavement, collapsed next to him. “Cas. Anna and Gabriel?”

“They're not... they're at work. Dean...”, Another coughing fit kept him from talking, his body was shaking, he looked in pain.

“It's okay, it's okay. Help is on the way.”

“No”, he shook his head, unable to still lift it from the pavement, probably close to fainting with ways to less oxygen in his lungs. Where was the freaking ambulance? Shouldn't they be here already? How long had they been in the house? “Balth... he's... he's upstairs.” 

“What?”

“He... last night. Can't... explain.... bedroom.... Dean.... he...” There was something begging in his eyes, something desperate. Something so filled of fear. Dean threw a look over his shoulder. Nearly the whole house was on fire by now, going back was... close to suicide. If Balthazar was up there, he'd be dead until the fire fighters reached them. But... being realistic, Cas stood under shook, Samandriel could have died in the fire, he nearly died himself, he sure was under a shock. With all that had happened in the past weeks it would be no surprise. Why should he be back? Why wouldn't they've called the police? Going back... it... A tear escaped Cas' eye, ran down at the side of his head and disappeared in hair. And maybe this was all it took, because this was his chance of putting Cas' life back together. If Balthazar was up there... he could save him. He nodded, let go off his hand and turned back to the house.

The floor was still quite well, what probably came close to a miracle, the main problem was the heat. It was a lot worse than a few minutes ago, he tried to hurry, while still being careful. Cas and Balthazar's bedroom was the last room on the first floor. Getting there and actually getting back... it would take more then just a miracle. The first floor was mostly on fire and the frightening realization that Cas would be dead by now if he hadn't been there hit him. He'd be dead. Waiting ten minutes longer at home, never actually coming by to sort things out Sand he'd be dead.

He stumbled further, the floor wasn't entirely on fire yet, and he thanked Anna in his head a million times for having get rid off the carpet which once had covered the ground. The smoke was heavy as he came closer to their bedroom, but the room wasn't on fire yet. And there he was. Balthazar. He laid on the bed, probably had been asleep and had been knocked out by the smoke before he had ever had the chance to wake up. He grabbed him, not even trying to wake him up, tried to hold him, and pull him with him, Cas at least had been able to move his feet a little, Balthazar was heavy and the smoke was too heavy to breathe, the heat made very step a million times harder, halfway across the floor, nearly surrounded by fire he collapsed, he felt somebody touch his shoulder but he couldn't see anything. Then darkness swathed him.

***

He could hear voices. Which probably – for some magical reason – meant that he wasn't dead. They seemed to be quite far away though and not being awake felt quite good, maybe he could stay asleep a little longer. 

“Dean? Are you awake?” Oh sounded like his mother, a lot nearer now. “I am sure he just moved.”

“Yeah, he's not dead, he's supposed to do that.”

“Shut up Jo.” Sam. Where they all there? Well, maybe it was time for opening in his eyes.

“Dean, sweetheart, how are you?” Mary sat right next to him, looking more worried than he had seen her in all his life.

He nodded slowly. “Fine... I think.” Hospital bed, he looked well actually, as he realized, no parts of his body seemed to be missing or were covered in burns. At least as far as he could tell. “What happened?”

“You went into a burning house, you... stupid, stupid man”, before he could react, his mother had pulled him into an embrace. “You could have died, if the fire fighters hadn't arrived in time and got you out of the house you... oh Dean, don't ever...”

“What about Balthazar... is he... is he...?” It felt a little tactless on second thought, his mother was crying, still holding him, but he just had to know.

“He's alive, all three of them are, Balthazar, Cas and little Sammy”, Jo said who sat on the window ledge, next to were his father and Sam stood. “Stupid hero.”

“They're fine?”

“Well, Sammy got a lot of luck, he was entirely fine and Cas' got quite a smoke poisoning, but he'll be fine in no time, he already woke up a few hours ago, I think Anna's got off worse than him-”

“Anna? She was still-”

“No, she wasn't there, she's in the 'my little brother nearly died' shock, she was here about an hour ago actually, kissed your forehead”, Jo smirked and lifted both eyebrows in a playing manner.

“Well you saved her brother.”

“What about Balthazar?”

“Well, he's bad but he'll survive, didn't wake up yet and the doctors do not expect him to wake up for some more hours at least. And if you mean the case... Cas said he turned up middle of the night yesterday, clothes covered in blood. Cas told him they should call the police but Balthazar asked him not to do it before the morning, Cas agreed, he was downstairs feeding Samandriel when the fire started, he brought him to safety and returned for Balthazar. You know the rest of the story.”

“I mean I am not a police officer like you two but this missing guy turns up and hours later his house burns down?” Sam looked like he usually did when they had DVD evenings and he chose a film that was in his opinion not pretentious.

“Yeah and the house burned down ways too fast, I mean I am not a fire fighter but there was more than just one fire.”

Jo nodded empowering. “Yes, the fire brigade and Garth's team is looking into it already. Doesn't really look like a coincidence to me either.”

“Oh please you crime story addicts, stop it, Dean, you need to rest.” Mary placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I'm fine”, he said, quite aware that at least his mother did not believe him. Mary was looking at him in quite a worried way and if they had it her way, he would probably have to stay in bed for the rest of the month.

“When am I allowed to leave?” He really felt fine, he was sure he hadn't gotten a smoke poisoning similar to the others, he hadn't been in the house nearly was long and he had covered his mouth and nose nearly all the time.

“Tomorrow morning but I'd really approve-”

“Mum, I'm fine, really,” he wouldn't persuade her into believing this he could see it in her face. “Jo, have you found out anything about the abductor? Is there an abductor?” He could see Mary's really disapproving look but this whole case had pulled his nerves to every angle for too long.

“Well, we think so, yes. Garth told me everything they know so far but he'll have to wait until Balthazar wakes up to have a clearer idea of what happened.”

“Balthazar didn't tell Cas?”

“No, he didn't really say anything, at least according to Cas, he just asked him to wait until tomorrow before he called the police. What's been a mistake, I'm surprised Cas agreed. I mean, he was a police officer long enough, he knows that's not wise. But we... found traces of... torture on his body... the only blood on his shirt is his own, so Dick's brilliant theory that Balthazar is some kind of weirdo murderer and didn't want Cas to call the police for obvious reasons is nonsense. Like usually.”

So there had been an abduction. Torture. And they had done nearly nothing. They hadn't found him, hadn't saved him. If he hadn't returned for some reason he would still be wherever he had been.

“Jo, is there any chance that we can work on the case as well?”

She shook her head. “No, Dean, you know Dick, and he knows you're involved, he won't let you, he won't let any of us work on the case. Garth isn't a total idiot, he'll be fine and he tells us everything, the case is priority again, maybe they can actually do something as soon as Balthazar wakes up.” Maybe she saw Mary's expression because she smirked and rose from the window ledge. “I better get going, work to do.”

His parents and Sam stayed a little longer, he had to listen to how reckless but heroic he had behaved about another ten times, Sam left about half an hour after Jo, because he had to check in with work as well, since Anna wasn't there too, his parents stayed until nightfall and promised to come back tomorrow to pick him up. Dean was sure Mary wanted to convince the doctors to keep him here longer just to make her worry a little less that he might still die.

Even though his parents had left him a few sport and car magazines he felt quite bored, the nurse didn't allow him to leave the bed and gave him no information about Cas. He wanted to see he was alright, wanted to see Balthazar was alright as well. Anna came by shortly after a really not so tasty dinner, Jo hadn't exaggerated. She embraced him as soon as she saw he was awake kissed him on both cheeks and thanked him about ten times within a minute.

“How's he?” He asked as Anna finally let go of him again.

“Cassie? He's fine, he's wonderful. Maybe they let him leave tomorrow, but as he's going to stay anywhere because Balthy's still here they maybe keep him here too. Really, Dean, I cannot... thank you so much. I spoke with the doctors and with the fire fighters... and with Cas... you saved his life. He... he would have died in that house if you hadn't come.”

“I was lucky and- how's Balthazar? Did he wake up yet?”

“No... they say he probably didn't sleep too much in the last days and gets that sleep now. They won't wake him up if they don't need to.” The happiness which had laid in her eyes when she had spoken about her brother had vanished. Fear and worry marked her face.

“Look, I'm sorry...”

Anna looked up surprised. “About what? Dean, you did a lot, you tried to find him, you tried to convince your boss that is was a case and you needed to do something about it. You saved my brother, you risked your life to do so. You nearly died trying to save Balth as well. And I know you couldn't have known for sure he was upstairs, you risked your life because you simply believed Cassie. Don't go apologizing for anything that didn't work out. They're safe, they're alive. We're going to figure out the rest somehow.”  
He felt the soft ache at her words. It was over. Even though it had worked out just as he had hoped, he would leave Cas' life again now, knowing him and Balth would be fine. Of course the case wasn't over yet but it wasn't his case and it was over for him. Cas and Balthazar would probably leave for New York as soon as Balth would be allowed to leave the hospital. And that was exactly how he had wanted it to end. It was a good end, Cas had Balth back and he would be ways happier with him that he could ever be alongside Dean. Therefore it was a good end. It still hurt a little, but he wasn't going to mention it to anyone, especially not to Anna.

“Look, I think... since all this is over now... it should be me who apologizes.” With a rueful smile she took a chair and pulled it closer to the bed before she sat down. “I know I used you to help Cas without regarding your own well-being. I am aware you're still... well I'm sorry.”

There was nothing he felt like saying so he just nodded, she seemed to take it as a sign to continue speaking even though he wished she would just shut up and leave. She meant it good, she sure did, but this was nothing he wanted to talk about.

“I know you care about him, not just because you feel guilty for how things ended with you all those years ago. I shouldn't have ignored that by asking you to take care of him, knowing it would hurt you.”

“It doesn't matter”, he replied. Maybe it was better not to say anything about this at all. She seemed to have made her own picture of how things were. And she wasn't too wrong.

“It does matter because I flouted your feelings and I had no right-”

“Anna this was about your brother, of course you didn't give a shit about me, I was the guy who dumped your brother over his family and his job.”

She looked at him for a moment, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “Dean, you're not the guy who dumped him, not to him. Do you really think that's how he thought of you all this years? How he thinks about you?”

“Well, it's what I am, isn't it?”

“No, it's not”, she shook her head softly. “You didn't make the decision, he did. And yes, he was hurt at some points because he felt like he had to and there had been no other possibilities, because you were fighting all the time and you clearly couldn't leave Lawrence. But the decision was his. He still saw you as a friend.”

“No he didn't, he didn't even want to talk with me-”

“Yeah, I'm not saying he didn't hate you at one point or another and hell you hurt him but I just want you to know he does not see you as the man who dumped him for his own fortune. He still sees you as friend. You know Cas, he's not hating people, not really.” Placing her hand on his arm for a last time, she turned around and left the room with another warm smile.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Juuuuune everybody :D And I am trying to put all my belongings into two suitcases and a bag. (#fail) :D Hope you're having a nice day.

Chapter 11

They found Alistair Cooper in the basement of his house two days later. Merely a mile away from Anna's house. He had shot himself in the locked cellar room of which ground was still covered in another man's blood. Neither his nor Garth's team were allowed to work on the case, it was too shocking, it got too much publicity as soon as one word of a man torturing someone in his basement had reached the papers, the FBI showed up and closed the door in front of their noses. Dean didn't mind much, he had seen pictures of the cellar, Kevin had gotten sick and Jo had nearly started crying.  
The case was solved fast. With Balth's report and the crime scene everything led to Alistair. The FBI didn't give them many information but they gave enough. Balthazar had been abducted during his nightly walk and Alistair had for some reasons none of them understood tortured him and told him that he would, in time, kill him. Due to pure luck Balth had been able to free himself while Alistair had been doing the grocery shopping. It was assumed that it had been Alistair who had put Anna's house on fire hours later trying to get rid of the only witness which could turn him in.  
Realizing this plan had failed and there was no further way to escape justice, he had killed himself.

***

Dean hadn't thought he would see Cas again before they left for New York. Part of him had told him it would be better this way, the only part of him which seemed in connection with the spaghetti-looking thing inside his head.  
Nevertheless, on a sunny Friday afternoon, about two weeks after Balthazar had returned, Cas entered the office, accompanied by Samandriel, who was doing careful little steps while holding his father's hand. Benny and Jo had just left for another coffee break and Kevin was assisting Garth's team with whatever that boy was doing with a computer, so it was just the three of them.  
“Hey, you're still here?” He hadn't kept getting updated on the case too much but he had thought they must have left the city by now, the case, with no person to charge, had been put to the files about a week ago. 

Cas nodded, leading Samandriel to the chair where he sat down and placed the child on his lap. “We'll be leaving in an hour. I just wanted to thank you.” The warm and kind smile, so similar to his sister's one, made his eyes sparkle a little and Dean realized he hadn't seen Castiel smile like this for over ten years. Well, maybe except for on that wedding photo he had seen in Anna's house. And despite the deeply buried longing he felt a rush of pure happiness flooding through his veins.

“I know I owe you my life, not just physically. You didn't just pull me out of there, you gave me the chance to see my son grow up. But furthermore you even went back for Balth. The fire fighter said... if you hadn't pulled him to the floor where they found you... he wouldn't have made it out alive. He would have been locked inside the flames.” There was fear in his voice, he clinched the boy on his lap a little tighter to himself and placed a kiss on his dirty-blond hair. “I know I can never make it up to you-”

“Cas, I'm a police officer. Saving people, arresting people, it's the police business, remember? I was just doing my job.”

“You were doing a lot more than just your job and we both know that. Really, thank you.” Samandriel was making little babbling noises, stretching his arms to the table which was too far away from him. Cas was watching him for a moment before he rose his gaze again to look at him. “And I wanted to apologize for what I said before the fire.”

“Yeah, well, don't mention it....”

“No, what I said was horrible. I feel awful, I'm really sorry. I.. I was terrified, I...” He bit his lips as the feeling of nearly losing Balthazar seemed to flood back to him.

“It's fine. It was understandable.”

“I didn't mean it.” His eyes got lost somewhere between the table and Samandriel and Dean wasn't sure if there maybe hadn't been a little bit of truth in his words. Maybe he hadn't meant exactly what he had said but he couldn't push away the feeling that there had been a reason Cas had said this, had thought something like that.  
Maybe because despite knowing Balthazar made him happier than he had ever done, a part of him which had steadily been growing bigger had always hoped that things would turn out in a way he would be with Cas.

“So... you're back in New York tomorrow?”

Cas nodded, his lips twisting to another smile. “Everything back to normal. Balth, Sammy and me.” He left the office a few minutes later and Dean couldn't stop himself from watching him leave and get into the bus, carrying Samandriel on his arms. Then he was gone, disappeared to the life he was so lucky to have.

***

Getting on was easier with Cas gone, he went out with Jo and Benny again, something he hadn't done for over a month. Sometimes they took Kevin with them, but usually they didn't what he preferred, because the boy tended to tell them the exact amount of pure alcohol from all the different drinks they had had over the evening. He used free mornings and afternoons to visit his parents, sometimes he met Anna in the grocery shop, but he avoided the street where Gabe's sweets shop was. Anna, who was living with her older brother now, gave him a smile whenever they found each other just a shelf of biscuits or pizzas between them, but they never got into a conversation. He twice met Gabriel, from whom he had received a large box of sweets and several gift coupons to spend in his shop for having pulled his younger brother out of a burning house, he had given them to Jo and Sam. He wasn't keen on meeting the siblings.

Three weeks after Cas, Balth and Sammy had left he took Lisa Braeden on a couple of dates but it didn't take him too long to realize he wasn't really enjoining it, so he stopped calling her.  
He had done well without somebody for the last years, there was no need in trying to date anybody. A part of him was well aware he was missing Cas but he tried to ignore it. There was no need for that either.  
Maybe there was and this was why he was in a bar without Jo and Benny now. He wasn't really going without them, they had planned to go together but Jo had complained about a headache and Benny had volunteered to drive her to her mother's place, where she usually liked to be when she was ill. And there wasn't anything bad about having a couple of drinks after work. There were quite a few people doing so. Students, people his age even. That man over there was sure even a little older-  
Dean put his drink down, staring at the blond man a few seats away from him. He was on his feet, the glass in his hands, and next to the man before he realizing to do so. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Balthazar Cassidy looked up from his half-empty glass. “Dean I assume?”, he said with look at the police shirt not completely hidden under his pullover.

“Yeah”, he replied while sitting down. “Why are you not in New York?”

“Well, why not?” Balth shrugged, his gaze empty, lost somewhere in his glass.

“Is Cas here too?” He asked but he felt he already knew the answer.

“No, he's in New York... at home... well, whatever...” He lifted his glass and emptied it in one gulp.

“And why are you here?”

“As I said, why not?” He waved towards the waitress and pointed at his empty glass.

“Cas just got you back and you're what... going for a holiday?”

“No”, Balth said, his hand tightening around his glass. “We spilt up.”

“You... what? Why would you? Why-”

Waiting until the waitress had poured some of the amber liquid into his glass, he took another mouthful. “It's better this way.”

Dean just stared at him for a moment or two. “It's better for Cas and your one-year-old son to live without you?”

“Yes.”

“After everything that happened? Have you even an imagination of how Cas was doing with thinking you're dead?” How- how could he- what the hell had happened that he would say this?

“Well, this time he'll know I'm not dead, I'll keep paying for whatever costs come up for Samandriel.”

“And it's that simple? You pay some money and then it's okay, Cas has to live without you, Samandriel has to grow up without you? You're just deciding this?”

“Oh yeah, because maybe it's not my life and not my decision to make.” Another gulp down his throat.

“This is your family! And Cas was a wreck without you, you can't just turn away and pretend-”

“Well maybe it was me who got abducted and tortured, maybe it is in fact my decision.”

“But-”

“No, it is my decision. I don't think you can understand this.”

He gripped his hands tight around his glass, trying to calm down, but he just couldn't. “Well then tell me.” 

The glass clanged loudly as Balth put it back on the table. “I have changed. I'm different. Things have happened down in that cellar. Things I cannot forgot, I cannot make them go away. I tried, damn it. I tried continuing a normal life, I even tried teaching again. But I can't. I cannot even sleep next to him, he's trying to pretend he's fine, tells me that I just need time-”

“Yeah, that's what you need. Everybody-”

“No, I don't. I don't need time. I'm not going to change back into the person I was, Sammy's father, Cas' husband, high school teacher. I won't ever be like I was before my abduction. I'm not helping Cas being like that. I really tried, but it's hell. Cas is crying behind my back all the freaking time. Samandriel is... he feels something is wrong, he screams and screams and screams... It's better this way.”

He felt the need to scream too, tell him that he needed to go back, to stay with his family, but he didn't say anything, he just rose his glass to his lips and emptied it. Despite the time they had spend together ten years ago he had never seen Cas cry before Balth's abduction. Hearing that the whole situation upset Cas so much he was crying shocked him. Maybe Balth was right and things really couldn't be saved.  
“Why did you come here? Of all places?”

Balth lifted his shoulders for a short moment before he let them fall down again. “To understand maybe. I don't know.”

“Dunno if there's anything to understand actually.”

“Yeah probably. For this reason I terribly regret that he's dead. I can never ask him why he did it.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, as this will be the last chapter, I would like to take this chance to thank you again for all the lovely comments and kudos that I've recieved over the last months. They were so much more than I ever expected and each and every one of them makes me very happy. Thanks and love to all of you.

Chapter 12

He had lost his mind. Simple as it was. He, Dean Winchester, had completely lost his mind, gone mad, lost all sanity he probably had never had. It was the only explanation why he had spent the last hours in the car going to New York. By car. It was stupid and he didn't think that for the first time now he was passing the outer skirts of New York. Finding the district and the street Cas lived wasn't too hard, Balth had given him the address.

It was a nice little house, in cloudy white, the small front garden tidier than those in magazines – Cas had always had a tendency to do garden work whenever he was upset. The sign next to the hall had all three names in them, Balthzar Cassidy, Castiel and Samandriel Milton. It seemed wrong that just two of the names people where still living in this house.

Shortly after ringing the bell he could see Samandriel half crawling half walking to the door, where he placed his little hands on the glass next to the door and smiled at him.  
The door opened soon afterwards and Samandriel was lifted up from the ground, then Cas appeared in the doorframe. “Dean?” He sounded surprised but there was smile on his face and he looked honestly happy to see him. “Come in, why are you here?”

“Well to be perfectly honest I met Balthazar.” Watching carefully he could see the smile drop for a moment.

“Yes, we split up. Was he alright?”

“Yeah, I think so. Looked alright.” Dean wasn't even sure whether or not he was lying. He had been in one piece, he had been alive, yes, but alright? How was he, how was anyone, supposed to tell. “How are you?”

“Well... fine actually. I don't know, it's weird. He calls. Well, he leaves messages on the answering machine. So I know he's alive, what he's doing. It's a lot better than when he was missing. He's not here too but... it's better. I suppose, I'm even somehow fine with it. I mean... it's not how I imagined things to be but I know he's probably right. I cannot deal with it, he cannot deal with it, it's neither good for him nor for me and especially not for Sammy. If he thinks travelling, being on his own, somewhere where no other people are, if he thinks this is going to help him learn how to live with the things that happened... then I think it's good.” There was some sort of ruefulness in his eyes but he seemed to arrange with it. “I prayed for Balth to be alive and he is, I cannot complain. So, why exactly are youS here?”

“Do you think Balthazar is going to come back? When he's better?”

The smile didn't disappear but it had a little bit of pain in it. “He gave you our address didn't he?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Well then, do you think he'll come back?” He turned away, but he didn't only look sad. Dean couldn't help but wonder how long Balthazar had already been gone. He seemed to have thought about this whole topic so intensively and so detailed that he understood Balth's decision too well. He wondered as well if Balthazar had given him the address for a reason, not just because he had asked for it, thinking that maybe Cas hadn't told Anna and Gabriel yet because he didn't want them to come over and feel as if they had to take care of him again. Thinking that maybe he could just make sure he was ok. He wasn't even sure what he had thought about how he could cheer him up, but he couldn't have lived with the thought of him being all alone and left from the man he loved. Again.

In all the hours on the road when he had thought and re-thought this whole thing and why the hell he was driving all the way to New York and if there was even a chance Cas would even let him in the house, he had never thought about why Balthazar had given him the address.

Cas led him into the living-room, where he placed Samandriel on the carpet. It was a beautiful room. Like one of those living-rooms from the catalogues of furnishing shops. It looked perfect. And in no way did it fit with what the family living in it had faced. “You want to play with your cars?”

The boy nodded and Cas placed a box of cars in front of him. “Can you play by yourself? So Daddy can talk with Dean?”

“Yes”, Samandriel said while grabbing for a car and Dean realized with a smirk that it was a miniature impala.   
“I don't... understand”, he said when Cas had said down on the couch next to him. “You're okay with him leaving and maybe never returning? You were so upset, so... why are you okay with it now?”

“Dean, there's an awful lot of a difference between these two situations. Three months ago, I didn't even know if he was alive. He was tortured and hell it's not like that thought as unlikely as it was didn't cross my mind a few times. When Balthazar left, he talked with me about it, he told me why he couldn't stay and I understand it. I know he tried but I also know that it didn't work. I am not happy about it, of course, I wish I could just go back and stop him from ever make that night walk or stop us from returning to Lawrence exactly that week. I wish I could but I can't. I cannot change anything about the situation, I cannot make Balthazar feel better and I doubt the psychologist can. I doubt anyone can except for he himself. If I beg him or even force him to stay I wouldn't make myself happy, I wouldn't make him happy and I wouldn't make Sammy happy.” He watched his son for a very long moment and Dean already thought that he had finished talking and watched the toddler too for a moment. The boy was letting the cars drive above each other in front of him, while making noises which rather sounded like a very old train. “He said he just couldn't be around other people anymore. And he promised me, that when he left, he would never try to kill himself, he would learn to live with it. I cannot ask for more.”

“And what's with you?” He had seemed so broken, so hurt just about two and half months ago. But maybe that was just how Cas was. He got hurt, but he learned to live with it just like he had gotten on with life after they had split up all those years ago as he had been all alone in a city he had never been to before.

“Well I'm taking time off from work right now so I can look after Samandriel but I gotta find somebody to take care of him during my working time soon, I already phoned a few day daycare places to see if they have a place free.”

“Well I could put my working shifts in the afternoon, so I could look after him when you're at school.” He had said it before he even thought about it, but yes, probably this was exactly what he wanted. And why not? Dick wanted him gone anyway. He could visit Lawrence as often as possible and Cas needed him.

“What? It's twenty hours or something by car, how you're going to do that?”

“Well Dick wanted to get rid of me for ages he'd probably even help me get a relocation to the police department here in New York.” He shrugged, giving him a small smile. “Look, you need somebody to help you with Samandriel and I don't mind. I could stay here as your friend. Or whatever.”

“Do you really want that? I don't want you to sacrifice your life in Lawrence just because you feel like you still owe me something.”

“You know that's not the reason.” He looked up and felt relieved to see a smirk on Cas' face.

***

For a moment Dean wasn't sure where he was when he woke up, his back was sore, meaning he wasn't sleeping in bed and it didn't really feel like a bed anyway. Opening his eyes the room looked unknown – but just for a moment, when the awareness was there. He was in New York. On the couch in Cas' living-room. Even though he wasn't sure what the hell he was doing here, he couldn't help but smile. He was at Cas' house, staying here for a bit, maybe even for... well... they would see that.  
He just wanted to change on the other side and get another few hours of sleep as the door opened and somebody seemed to pretend he was actually really awake. “Oh great, you're up, hey can I leave Sammy with you for a bit? I need to go to the school and talk with my boss about how things will be in the future. We have to see if we can arrange an new time table for me and...”

“What do you mean by a new time table?” He sat up, not quite happy about having such an early start into the day, the clock at the opposite wall only said ten past seven.

“Well, I can only take fewer lessons, I cannot be gone all the time now. Balthazar was taking off from work and was only doing evening classes, so he could look after Sammy.”

“Yeah but I told you I can do that.”

“Dean you gotta be realistic, you have a life in Lawrence. You cannot just give that up. We both know you can't.” Clasping Samandriel a little closer to himself he broke eye contact, his hand was playing absently with his son's shoe.

“Well maybe I couldn't back then. But look”, pushed away the blanket. “There are just two ways I'm leaving. One, you're telling me to and me have the feeling you really mean it and it's better for you if I'm gone. Two, you're happy. With whoever or whatever, but as long as I know you're unhappy, you're alone, you're lonely, I'm not going to leave you. It's as easy as that.”

Cas nodded slowly, a smile slowly growing on his lips.. “I don't think you should do that but... thanks.”

“So, me and little Sammy better get friends soon right?” He said to break the silence between them, because Cas didn't look like he seemed to know anything to say. “And you have your conversation with the head master?”

“Okay, hey Sammy, I leave you with Dean while I'm at work okay, but I'm back in a few hours and then we can play outside. Is that fine for you?” The toddler gave a small nod before his father sat him down on the carpet. “Dean, if you like to, it would be great if you would drive to the supermarket, we're out of milk and the cereals are nearly empty too I think. And you probably need some things for you too. I assume you didn't plan coming here too detailed.” A soft smirk lit up his face.

“No not really”, he smiled while he watched Cas place a kiss on Sammy's hair before he waved goodbye and closed the living-room door behind him. Shortly afterwards he could hear the front door close. Which more or less meant he was alone with a one-and-a-half-year-old kid. The last time he had been alone with Samandriel at least two of the Milton siblings had been in the house too.

The sound of his mobile phone remembered him again that he had actually still a life back in Lawrence and even though he was free from work today he needed to call Dick and most of all his parents. He placed Samandriel on his arm and walked into the kitchen where had left his mobile phone yesterday. The display said “Home” which was actually last on the list of people he wanted to call. Well, no probably Jo was last, because of all likelihood she would find a reason to kill him. And hell, she knew how to make it look like an accident. “Yeah?”

“Dean, where are you?” His mother, she laughed a little while talking even though he was sure she had imagined the worst scenarios in her head about him lying somewhere dead before he had took up the phone. “I thought you wanted to come over for breakfast? I called you at home but Jo said she hasn't seen you since day before yesterday. She said you weren't home at all, where are you?”

“I'm fine... I'm fine... thing is I'm kind of.. in New York?”

“In New York?” Mary repeated surprised. “He's alive, he's in New York, now shut up and let me talk with my son. What are you doing in New York, sweetheart?”

“I'm staying with Cas. Permanently. I haven't talked with Dick yet but my decision stands.”

“With Cas? Isn't he married? What about his husband?” He could her a door somewhere in his parents' house, apparently she had left the room to talk with him alone.

“Yeah, but Balthazar is gone, they split up, it's complicated. Look, thing is... I'm not going to leave him again. I can't. I don't want to. I'm sorry.”

“Dean, you shouldn't be sorry. I'm glad, I'm happy for you.” And even though she was more than a thousand miles away right now he could see her smile and her eyes shining with joy. “What about Cas, is he...?”

“I don't know. I suppose we just see.” He really didn't know but somehow it didn't matter, regardless if Balthazar would return or not, maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't. It just felt fine, it felt right.  
Samandriel tried to reach for the phone with his little hands, letting out a loud screech as he couldn't reach it.

“Is that Cas' son?”

“Yes, Sammy, well Samandriel. You should meet him, you'll love him.” For the first time he realized that the boy was smiling, not crying, not even showing the slightest possibility of feeling sad, he smiled, looking happy. On his arms, alone with him. Cas was gone for at least five minutes, more than enough time for a one-year-old to feel lonely and left alone and see reasons to cry. But Samandriel, who had spend almost every minute during the time they had spend together in Lawrence crying, was laughing, talking to him in his very own language, totally calm. And he was with him. With him, Dean, somebody he hardly knew, while even Anna, his aunt, hadn't been able to calm him down.  
Without intending to do so, he pulled the toddler a little closer and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Despite his better knowledge that Samandriel just had to get upset about being with him and not his parents sooner or later the boy seemed quite fine and wasn't complaining all the way to the supermarket, which took a little longer because Dean had some troubles finding the place. He sat in the back of the car in his booster seat, shaking his toy bee wildly. Even though he had never actually thought seriously about having children he truthfully enjoyed carrying Samandriel on his arms, picking up the toy bee every five to ten metres, hearing him babbling and every now and then say actual words. He still corrected the first person who mentioned Samandriel to him by referring to the boy as his son, an old lady telling him how sweet the little boy was. But when a young woman at the check-out told him his son had lost his toy bee he just thanked her and lifted up the toy again.  
And maybe his smile grew a little broader.

***

Dean knew they weren't really having anything. Balthazar could change his mind every day, he could return, beg Cas for forgiveness and he knew Cas would forgive him, they could return to their life and he would be forced to leave. It could simply not work out for a million other reasons. But somehow it simply felt right.  
The meeting with Cas' boss had run well, he was getting only early morning classes until Samandriel would be old enough to visit Nursery School and was if necessary allowed to bring the child with him to school. Meanwhile Dean had called Dick, who had like usually not been happy to hear from him but had – on the foresight of not having him in his department any longer – volunteered to speak with the police department in New York about a possible transfer. He called back in the late afternoon while Dean was feeding a bowl of half-puréed carrots and potatoes to Samandriel. He had a job interview at a police station which was even quite close to where Cas lived the next day and despite the dislike between them Dick even wished him good luck. And while Dean was playing plane with the lasts spoons of carrot he felt like his life in New York was actually starting – and that this was exactly the place he was meant to be.

He brought Samandriel to bed that night, even though Cas said he could very well do it as well, but he just wanted to. And he let Samandriel chose a story – and for the first time in his life Dean read a child to sleep, he read the story of the bee who would not work, a little book about a rebellious bee and he could see Samandriel smile and hug his toy bee before he felt asleep – and with a certainty he had never felt before, he knew, he was home.

***

Epilogue

Two years later

“Samandriel, eat your cereals”, Dean said over the newspaper from last week's Tuesday, for the third time this morning. The first two times had once again gone unnoticed by the toddler and Dean knew he was quite too fond of Sammy's rebellious side to be considered a duteous parent. One day – when Samandriel would sneak out in the middle of the night to drive with his Impala and Cas and him would be worried sick while the boy had probably the time of his life – he would regret it.

“But I want playing.”

“You heard Dean, eat your cereals, you can play later in the nursery school. Hurry up a little or we're going to be late”, Cas, who Dean saw for the first time on this stressful-as-ever Monday morning, entered the kitchen, putting today's newspaper on the table next to him, he had stopped trying to keep up with the newspapers about one and a half years ago, there simply wasn't enough time, even though he was trying really hard.

“Do you see what you're doing, big man?” He faced Samandriel raising an eyebrow. The boy was doing quite a good job of spilling the milk of his cereals over his shirt. He was quite good at eating and usually didn't spill his food all over himself anymore.

He got a big-eyed “Hm” with a small nod as a response.

“If you ruin your shirt we need to have it changed and we're a little bit a hurry, mate.”

Again, the toddler nodded but this time there was a small smile on his face. “Can I wear the sweater Grandma made for me? I don't like this one, it doesn't have bees.” He pulled the last word a lot longer than necessary, probably to stress out its importance. The shirt he was wearing now was showing an old car, not an Impala, but a nice car and he had bought it for Sammy two months ago after he had saw it on a child whose mother he had questioned. As soon as the usual 'did you kill your husband' questions had been over he had asked the poor and frankly shocked woman where had bought the sweater. It turned out quite soon that he liked the sweater a lot more than Samandriel. The one the toddler was talking about was a yellow one, which Mary had decorated herself with bee patches. Samandriel loved the sweater more than any other piece of clothing he possessed.  
One of the reasons Dean had bought the car shirt in the first place, Samandriel's love for bees went a little far as he usually tried to run after them when he spotted one of them in their garden and not like any other normal child away. Last summer he had had the not long lasting hope that he wouldn't have to run after him to protect him from getting stung after Samandriel had been stung once. The child had cried for nearly an hour but all his hopes of fascinating the boy for something nicer than bees had been buried as he had come to know that he was only crying because the bee would die without her stinger and not because of this own pain.

“Don't you think it's a little warm to wear a sweater?”

“No.”

“Well then, you can wear the bee sweater, but finish your breakfast.” He would probably not ask for his bee sweater for the next two weeks if he wore it today and realized that it was was way too warm. Which would mean that he also of all likelihood not spill his food over the other shirts just because he wanted to wear something else. In the end this was probably better for Dean than for Sammy because it saved him from having to realize once more that he liked this side of Samandriel ways too much, something Cas hadn't failed to notice too.

“We've got a card.” There was this special way Cas still said this sentence about every two weeks and the special smile which would always lie on his face when he pulled another of these cards out of the mail. It was from a little city called Grand Forks somewhere in North Dakota, from where Balthazar, as he wrote, would go further to the Lake Superior and maybe to Canada for some time. If he wasn't changing his mind. Which probably meant they would get the next post card from somewhere on the way to New Mexico.

“You want to look at where papa is, pumpkin?” Cas asked Samandriel who was – it at least looked as if – playing the drums with his spoon and the cereals. He looked up now, with a bright smile and nodded.  
“Yes!”

“Look it's a city called Grand Fox, do you want me to show you where it is on the map?”

“Map! Map! Map!” Samandriel screamed, stretching out his arms so Cas lifted him up from his chair, ignoring Dean who was miming 'cereals' and 'hurry'. The map had been his present for Cas' birthday last year. It the biggest map he had found in all the shops in New York, it took in most of one of the walls in the living-room but had seemed like a fitting present. Balthazar had started sending postcards about two months after he had moved in with Cas. They now pinned the different post cards, which came at least twice a month, and the picture made in photo cabins on railway stations on the map at the places Balthazar had sent them from.  
The photos he occasionally sent showed that maybe he had been right. He in fact looked a lot better than the man Dean had met two years before in a bar in Lawrence. His eyes were no longer empty and filled with sadness, they shone in a way similar to the old photos of him and Cas. His hair was long and usually untidy now, not surprising for a man who spend most of his time somewhere in wilderness, just getting into cities every two weeks to write post cards, sometimes he sent little presents, a extraordinary stone he had found somewhere, something they sold in the shop for postcards. He seemed to be at peace with himself.  
Something which made Dean quite happy, not just because he knew it made Cas happy but also because he cared.

Putting away his newspaper he followed them into the living-room and watched Samandriel trying to find North Dakota on the map. He was getting quite good at finding the different states, good especially for a three-year-old. Even though today he was quite hard trying to find North Dakota in the middle of Oregon.  
They would be late for work, but he didn't interfere, he just watched them smilingly, knowing how important this was for both of them, maybe Samandriel wasn't aware of this yet but it was. If things stayed like they were now, there was good chance that Samandriel would never really get to know his second father. Never speak to him, never hear him call out his name, never be carried on his shoulders again, never have a real conversation with him. Balthazar never called, he never wrote about returning, and Dean wasn't sure Cas had ever actually waited for him to come back. He had missed him, sometimes he still did, but he was and had always been a realistic kind of person, and maybe there really was no point in waiting. He didn't understand what Balthazar found in the loneliness, in the night-filled skies, the dark forests, the fields reaching further than ten horizons he wrote about. He didn't understand how walking through the country, being apart from humans could cure what two psychologists could not. But it could. And even if Samandriel would – when had grown into an adult – not remember what his biological father looked like apart from pictures, how his voice sounded, or how it had felt to be held save in his arms, he would always know he was loved by all three.


End file.
